im not going to write you a love song

there are so many things i could say. for starters lets talk about how i still remember that plea. the one where you asked me to never call anyone that name. because it was yours. i remember that. i remember you. and i think that was pretty close to love. but then you know, reality hit. then there is the fact that i got excited about someone. and its retarded. because like. what the heck? you were cute dear. and i appreciate how you were forward. lets do that again? then theres the fact that i really want to go to this party. i really do. but it just seems like so much work. my mind has been running and running. and i have nothing to show for it. im half here, and half in seattle. and my memory is terrible. so here i am. with all these little things. and not one of you is going to understand it. because normal people dont think like this. i swear.

get over it.
and take pictures with people.
 because everyday you age.
 and youll never look as young as you did yesterday.

goshdarn

you say your fine, i know you better than that.

aside from managing my money, i think the biggest struggle in my life right now, is understanding that my life has a purpose, and that i need to be content with celibacy. im not saying im not happy, or that im feeling down. i find joy in my life. but i know the feeling of liking someone, the i-know-where-you-are-in-the-room-liking someone, where you dress prettier when you know that persons gonna be there. that kind of liking, that makes you have a pep in your step. that brings a type of happiness. and lately. i just dont have that.

i guess what im trying to say is, im trying to figure out if im okay with that or not. its a nice refreshing change from how i usually am. and i suppose it is making me focus on other important things in my life. and im not saying its boring, because i still have fun. but, its just a weird feeling. i feel like im missing something. and i guess its better than the alternative, and constantly be thinking about it. i am blessed in that way. and I know God will surprise me. i guess until then, i will be me. and just focus on life goals and ambitions.


ohh gosh.

so easy to weep

I listened to an excellent sermon the other night. It was talking about how important it is to rejoice in the Lord, when terrible things are happening. With all the deaths in Colorado, and people I know personally who are struggling with their health. Its so hard to think that God is being good right now. It is so hard to praise when right now, life isnt praise worthy.

I think something we need to constantly remind ourselves is that today, we woke up. we had some breakfast, we are breathing, we have plans, we have people in our lives that love us.

and all of that is because of the Almighty King.

God expects us to get angry, and get sad. that is why he made us with emotions. But He expects us to praise Him, and trust in Him, because without Him, we are lost.

rejoice in the Lord.
He is good.
♥

up there.

has it almost been a year? i always thought i would forget certain things. times. moments. i dont know much. but i dont think that is important now. the fact of the matter is you would have been happy. and i think thats the best thing. all i can think about is the last moments. what were you talking about. were you talking. were you listening to music. i think the hardest thing, is knowing i had given up on you. you were just another conversation piece. that i could care less about. but when we got that phone call. and things just didnt seem right, and once we knew we knew. its like, all of that didnt matter. you were gone. you are gone. on the day. the day me and her walked you down the isle. i carried you. and i felt like that was the closest we had been in a long time. and no one knows. because how would they. i just miss you.

i miss you.
dd.
♥

moom

i only have 9 minutes. so this is going to be quick.
i dont understand why people can step on me. they say hurtful things while smiling.
maybe they dont know im sensitive.
maybe ive put up a front.
or maybe i just let people walk all over me.
i could scream or cry.
really.
i could.

i hate being so sensitive.
why does it seem like im the only one who cares.



garbonzo sticks.

the corner of cambie and 16th

because when the sun and the water and hot pavement smells come out, thats when you know. with nothing to report i feel weird. im content. ive finished the walking dead season 2. and its sad i didnt watch it with him. but im over it. it was good and now im just looking forward to watching season 3. ive eased in well in the life of a celibate. ive come to the conclusion that i look for future prospects. and that is not my job. the time will come when its meant to. im excited to make food. because i dont get the oppurtunity when im home. i just dont. im blessed i have a car. because i can drive places. and im blessed i have amazing friends. whom i can drive to and hang out with. this past weekend was just awesome. and in this specific time. i need them closer than ever. memories never fade if they are worth hanging onto. its going to be okay. its going to be fine. dont worry. i wasnt that much anyway. youve moved on. which i knew you would. you cant play the sad card for long. its not you. ill see you later tho, you know i will. and we'll see.

what was this post even about....

pfft. idek.

'the main group'

So this is it, the stretch before school starts. This summer is going to be alot of penny pinching and saving for school. i have a list. and the items on my list are in no particular order

• school
• a full years worth of car insurance
• a new laptop
• an iphone
• next semesters tuition

I gotta say, Ive been saving up loads. And the only way possible is with my parents helping me out by letting me live rent-free. I know it will be a rewarding feeling once I have that amount saved up. Im working hard. and Im hard at work.

adulthood is upon me.

hello wrinkles ;)

nywklov

its hard to remember back that far. and that sucks. but i remember walking down the hallway. and i dont know if it was who you were with, or if i knew you already. but it started then. thats when it started. you made us late. we missed our bus. you were so interesting, and we were so interesting. and we all laughed and joked. and then, it became a thing. we would meet after school everyday. and hang out. and thats what we did. everyday. we would talk about everything and anything. and now that i look back. you wouldnt have stuck around if you werent interested in one of us. and i know that one of us was me. gosh. just thinking about it now. i feel so stupid. you could have been my first boyfriend. while i was dazed and confused about other guys. you were right there. and you didnt force anything. but i see it now. you were so great. and then. you said you had to move. that you were moving back to where your parents lived. and this feeling of sadness over came me. i was losing one of my best friends. and we promised we would stay in touch. and you wrote in my yearbook that you loved me so much. and that i was beautiful and how you wished i was yours. and i thought that was normal. but you wouldnt write that in anyone elses. and then you went. and i decided that i needed you in my life still. and we dated. and we said i love you. but it wouldnt work. and we both knew that. and that was back then. and with the odd mention of your name. we forgot you. because it hurt too much. so we hung out with other people. and we did different things. and now. my dear friend. you are married. probably to an amazing girl. who gets you, and makes you smile, and makes you laugh, and challenges you. who loves you. and im not saying i want that. because i was just so young. and im not necessarily saying anything would have happened. but i think today. when i found out you were married. i realized how much time had passed. and what kind of friend i became. the worst. i didnt care. and yes it was because i was hurt. but. i should have swallowed that and sucked it up. ive decided life is too short. and without telling all of you it with a cliche tone. i mean it. people get tattoos that say 'no regrets' i dont believe that even for a second. because we always always have regrets. whether they are valid or not.

so so humble.

the sun only shines for so long.

let the sun set, let the parties start, the the fireworks go, let the lights shine, let the kissing start, let the drinks pour, let the laughter happen, let the love grow, let the adrenaline soar, let the warmth hug you, let the music blare, let the smiles last, let the conversations go on forever, let the night turn into morning, let the freedom overwhelm, let the fun never die, let the adventures begin, let hands be held, let friends be friends, let the aromas seal upon you, let nostalgia last, run, laugh, yell, party, love, dont let it stop.

lost and insecure, you found me.

It was like a shocking panic. the thought of not finding someone to share my life with, soon, or just ever overwhelmed me. i thought of the candidates. i thought of the test results, the measurings of each one. compatibility. i know movies are far from reality. i know everything in movies doesnt happen in real life. but i do know that sometimes it does. i want prince charming. i want someone who i trust and get and love. and sometimes guys.. sometimes i feel like standing up and screaming 'when will it be my turn?'  because really. i have been waiting patiently for 2 years now. of course ive had things here and there. 'oh i like that boy' 'oh he's cute' but really. none of them have stuck around to turn into anything. I know God has His timing. I know. but then I start thinking of maybe im actually unlikable... what if my flaws are just too much.

Its one of those moments ladies and gentlemen, where I just feel like having a big ol' temper tantrum. because I want things done my way.

but God whispers ' just wait child. just wait.'

And so, because I trust my Father, and well. because i really have nothing else better to do, I will wait. and I will wait, and wait and wait and wait.

and prince charming will be worth it.

because they always are.

:)