the sun will always have a shadow.

my hair is pinned back. in one of those really tight ballerina buns. not a messy bun. not a loose bun. a tight ballerina bun. im finding im liking my hair like this. its professional. its unpredictable. i really really really want to go to the lunch doctor. like really badly. but not yet. i have things to do. things to work on. goals to reach. i have questions. probably more rhetorical. they probably will never be answered. but i wonder. i wonder sometimes how it would be. if i had someone. what would that mean for them? how would they feel? is it bad that i feel guilty about it? like i shouldnt. the emotional scars that are there, the wrong doings. the idea in a whole makes me sick. its a road i really dont want to go down. eventually it will happen. i will need to go down it. but, right now? no. i cant do that to them. they arent ready. they dont know. im going to pick matthew up at the airport tonight. haha more like early tomorrow morning. oh my. i cant wait though. he has always been a friend i can have some fun times with. a really great guy. i am also going to see a movie with courtney. i really do love her. alot. she tells me things about her cat rubbing blood on her. the book im reading about is about wanganui. totally God right there. its pretty good. i wrote ty & kahu letters last night. man. i just think about all our memories. i think of caltex, and the man soap. i think of the many games of pictionary. i think of our endless nights, when the night didnt even start until we were together. i remember my feet were always warm. all the laughs. all the road trips. all the moments. all the dreams. all the friends. when anger was so loud and we drove to kai iwi. how i cried so hard. and only britnee knew. but she didnt even know. no one knows. those days are behind me. but the feelings are still with me. i thank God for putting them in my life. they own a big chunk of my heart. they do. i made a calculator once. and i was really proud of myself. i had no friends. but i learned to be content by myself. its what happened. and it was always my fault. they never told me why. but it always was. he liked me. he liked me alot, but he never thought he could get me. so he asked her out. and they dated for forever. what if it had been me? what if we were all as friendly as we wanted to be? who says im not perfect? who says im not beautiful? im going to go back to normal. i can tell you that. so be ready for it. you are playing with the lock to my heart. using bobby pins, to try and unlock it. you just need to go find the key okay? i cant get over it. its always been him. its always been him. and glances say everything. he is hers. its like being a pool of water and not being able to breath. no oxygen, no escape. i knew it would happen. but not this way. i want to kick and scream. let out all my anger, and sad pathetic plee. its me. you should want me. he should want me. why doesnt he want me? im all done. im no more.

so lets raise a glass to freedom. it only lasts a little while.

yliek.