until the fingers turn blue.

there was a day and a time when i would come to kai iwi beach often, when it was just a 10 minute drive from our beautiful summer house. where we would swim in the ocean and be scared of the big waves, and all the sea animals lurking. where the sun would shine mostly every day, and when it wasnt shining, it was still warm. where every minute was captured by my laughter with them, and counting down the time until i could be with them. i knew that i was there for a purpose, but with them time stood still. we didnt do much, but i felt like we did it all. we were golden, wild and free. like a flicker of fire from your cigarette lighter. the one we used to build that fire. the fire we built right by the ocean. the night i was dumb and didnt appreciate the moment until it was too late. i was voted off the island. i want to tell everyone ever single second i spent with them. all of them. it makes me sick. because i want to relive every moment. i miss the smell. even the smell was distinct. i knew this was going to be hard. i knew it was going to be rough. but what i didnt expect, what i didnt see happenening, was me numbing myself. im shutting it out. trying not to think of it. because honestly when i do. when i turn back and think of all those memories. i know deep down, that i was happier there then anywhere i have ever been in my whole life. my whole entire life. to know that piece of information, and to carry on knowing that. i can understand why i numb myself. why i try to make it like it didnt happen, because if it didnt happen. i wouldnt be missing out right now.

no. no i wouldnt.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -ultranumb.