hmmm.

hey remember that time where all i could dream about is you? why do i feel so compelled by you? Im putting all the pieces together without even wanting to. i dont want this. i dont want to psych myself up, and lose all hope in humanity and love. i keep thinking, you would like this. you would like this. but do i even know what you would like? im spinning my head around not knowing which way is up, and all i can say is i hope youre there. but do i? maybe its best kept a memory. a really awesome, lovely, memory. i dont know if you would even want to get involved with what i am. i am shocked. confused. taken aback.

dunno.dun care.

black nails & eyes

feeling so evil. wanting to use you for selfish purposes. but I have to remember that at one point in my life I loved you. I want to believe I did. And I think thats why its so easy with you. I feel like i am in black, waiting to be bad. oh for reasons im sure you know. and youre so innocent in the worst way. and im trying to keep my cool. Im trying not to cry my eyes out. because he will be the one that got away. if you can even say that. but who knows, maybe it would have ended up like a taylor swift song. all good things do. all things mixing together playing with my emotions. im so good at playing it cool. im so good at being respectful. but for only so long.

im waiting but hanging on a thread. wondering if this will ever happen, or if ive ruined it already.

eyes on me

oh youre so smooth.
with your hair in your face.
youve got that look
and i catch you looking at my face.
and in that moment i am so vulnerable.
eyes on me
eyes on me
eyes on me


but not so sure.

im known for this.
so just dont.

holding my breath.
falling asleep
letting it melt.

noel.

So i must say these past few weeks have been pretty bland. no christmas spirit within me. these days were the same old. and today. the 20th. i was overcome with the feeling of joy. Christmas is coming. I cant wait to spend the entire day with my family, and make more memories. this might be the best christmas. who knows. all I know is that God has blessed me on this day, and im feeling mighty joyous towards this spiritual occasion :)

Merry Christmas from my heart to yours.
and Happy new year!!

LOVE YOU ALL.

holla.

there are flags that go up, that did go up.
you would think you would have done the things that i asked
you would think
honestly the other night was a blast. and sitting and realizing that there was more to me then i had let on.
im a complex individual too.
you could have replied with that.
i have flaws.
quirks.
truly beautiful in my imperfections.
and you know why?
because I was made in Gods image.
so please get off your high horse.
stop making me feel like this is just too much.
because honestly.
thats what its all about.

sad in bed.

when searching for a photo for this post, i was reminded of how weird this world is. typing 'sad in bed' in google images brought me many pictures of people laying in bed looking sad. why would anyone need a picture of that?

I guess i did.

being sad is a thing thats happening today. its alot of one thing, and some of other little things. I have had very little sleep lately. and i think thats a factor of why my brain is not functioning properly.

I also had disrespected myself.

so with all this in mind. ive been saying things that lead to other bad things. and the whole time im thinking 'this is okay, im saying what i feel'

no.

i really dont think i feel this way.

i wish time machines existed, but in reality, what good does it do? remind you of times when things were better? take you into the future where its unknown?

im holding onto the strings that once was a rope. and im slowly losing them.

but what good is a rope or even strings for that matter if youre already standing on the ground?

ive fallen, but im standing. so perhaps its time.

just wishing for a better story.

sad.in.bed.

good vibrations.

When life is so short, and we are not aware of when our time is up, why are we still living like we have all of this time?. Life is supposed to be messy, hard and imperfect. through the broken there is beauty. A life without risk is a dull life. jump up to the plate, and hit the ball. here we are. lets go.

freedom & hurt

let me open my eyes
let me remember what its like
let me breathe
let me catch my breath

hi.

hey you. yea you. you better be careful okay?
because this is starting to become more real.
okay
js.

:)

if its meant to be.

If this is it, then I am okay.
it smells like baby powder everywhere.
I am having a hard time even writing this
I dont want any documentation
I dont want any press conferences
I wish it was already time,
but I know in order to get to that time,
you have to make time.
and what we need most is faith
because thats the only way to stay strong.
all in or not.
we shouldnt waste our time otherwise.

getitgotitgood.

<3>

thats just the way it is.

holding back, and holding on
thats whats important
but having fears cloud everything
is something that is
unavoidable.
has it been, since then?
my heart still burns from the sting.
of all the hurts,
yours was the worst.
and ill never understand.
why liars exist.
why i was led where i was.
but i suppose to fall for a liar,
you have to also be one.

we're like diamonds in the sky.

waking up tired is never a good thing. Ive really been feeling that way lately. just completely done. no time for anything. It seems all I would like to do is sleep.

In other news, I am almost done this semester. Just a matter of a week and a bit. I cant wait to just not have anything on my mind. To relax and settle down.

no more assignments, papers, tests to study for.

oh sweet hallelujah.

tis the season to be merry.

almost.

blood is thick.

who i would be without this girl, i do not want to know. crazy days are better when she is near. i can count on her to make me laugh harder than normal. i like her hair. and i like her smile. she is unique, different, wonderfully extraordinary. so blessed to have her in my life. and i think she should know this.

 just saying.

keep me here.

I want to fall apart.
to let tears fall.
to come undone.
because what i felt was needed.
i needed to feel that way
whether you can provide it or not
no words.
i cant even describe it.
the weirdest thing.

what?

dreams, although so vivid can be so crushing.
try to stay with me.
is a dream something we wish, something we yearn for
or something that has happened or will happen
stay with me.
is a dream something that belongs to only us
something that holds true to what we want
or something that is produced based on thoughts,
a mangle of experiences combined together to make something clear
still with me?
does having dreams mean that what I dream is what I subconsciously want
or does it have any purpose at all
listen to me.
if having a dream is given to us so that we alter our decisions
based on people and situations
then wouldnt they then be considered a blessing,
if having dreams change our lives in little ways,
whether for good or bad
then why do we not follow them
why not?
the only explanation can be that there is fear, or doubt
and is that not what we all have in our lives
still with me?
my dear ladies and gentleman,
is it not fear and doubt that run our lives
if we do not follow our dreams
is it not?

build me up buttercup.

I really cannot express to you the amount of work I need to have completed within the next... 2 weeks.
way. way. way. too much.  And of course, as it would work out. I have a bad case of the procrastinations.

OHMYGOSH.
Kylie. what. the. heck. is. your. deal??
pull up your high socks, and lets get this done.

lets go out with a bang ;)


oh the need to have a pep talk with myself.

sad sad life.  bah.

lovers in a dangerous time.

bring to me the light you bestow,
cradle me with your heart strings,
i wish to know you more,
capture me with your embrace,
for i only have one desire
keep me close,
keep me still
i want to live a life of love.

what a powerful slam.

because rat tails are where its at.

dont pretend.
dont lie.
speak what you feel
and feel what you mean.
im thinking of you.
that you that sat in the corner
and on the chair
and in front of me.
and I thought you were moving away from her for a reason
turns out it was a reason
but not what i thought.
when shall i learn.
oh but a dream to find someone like you.

take time to realize.

With life moving so fast, its a wonder I have time to even breathe. I dont really know how to describe my life right now. Something I have learned recently is the fact that I can only trust God. Which I think is something God has been trying to prove to me for a very long time. Ive always known that He is always there. But to really believe that He is the only one I can trust. That is a big deal. Imagine that. Because we all should feel that way. trust in people can only go so deep. there will always be doubt, fear, paranoia. but with the Lord Almighty, you know He has your back.

I was asked today if I felt oppressed about my religion.
I answered yes.
I explained its not because I dont want to talk about it.
I do so badly.
I just dont want to mess things up.
I dont want to say the wrong thing and have people view christianity in a tainted light based on my thoughts and opinions.
After answering yes, and explaining why, I was told I could openly discuss it with them.
do you know how good that feels?
so amazingly good.

#praisethelamb or...lion for that matter.

#holyholyholyisHe

cherished.

you give me hope. the ones who are reading this right now. having you read these words make me feel like my voice is important, even if its silly and not rational.

when days are dull, you put a smile on my face. know this please. because there are days, when i cant even think of one person whom i could tell all my secrets to. who i could tell all the thoughts that boggle my head. where are you? where i think, who could possible care about this. please note: this is not a sign of weakness, not a sign of depression, but a positive ambition i have to make more friends. my perception of people has changed drastically. i see beauty in every living being. even those that hurt, harm, abuse those around them. there is beauty in the broken. you have to be strong to see it. so when you go to judge someone for having a certain type of sweater on, or how they act. dont. just dont do it. because those people dont need to be judged. they dont need to be.

may your day be peaceful and full of love.

♥

hope.

baby please dont go.
if i wake up tomorrow will you still be here?


gosh.
i miss you guys.
so much.
life was not judged
just fun.
bring back those memories.

♥

i personally would like to learn about Voltaire.

there once was a dream, where everything was good.
no one could hurt the thoughts that came.
no one could pronounce death to those who did not fit.
in love there was many.
but this was just a dream.
and many did not dream this dream.
they held hands with villians.

i say, if all is lost.
then let it be.
for it is not me who is lost
it is the hands that are held
with notions of lies
we are all here to discover
the life that is not ours
some may struggle,
some may fall,
but with all of the songs to sing,
we will sing His.

leave me in a tizzy.

i want to show you off.
but lately ive been feeling
that time moves slow,
that things happen.
i made friends for a reason.
where will they take me?
nobody knows.
nobody knows.
do you even know?

its okay.

Everything is magnified to an extreme lately.
and no one cares.

no one cares.

birthday bliss.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I have to say, it began like any other day. My sister was yelling at me to hurry in the shower, me getting ready for school. Nothing was too different. I had class in the morning, and then had a 2 hour break before my next afternoon class. My idea was to go to the library and study, and print a paper that was due. My friend Elaina talked me into getting food first, when I think back now, everyone was kind of acting weird, and up to something, but at the time I was completely oblivious to what they were doing. I didnt think too much of it, and proceeded to buy my lunch. We then went to a different sitting area and I turned the corner and had all my friends starting singing happy birthday to me. They had bought me this cake for me for my birthday. Ice cream -- my favorite!! I was so stunned and shocked. I started to tear up, it was the sweetest thing. I have only known these people for a month and they are already treating me like a best friend.

I am so blessed.

After getting out of school early I went home and spent time relaxing, I started my long list of thank yous to the facebook posts, and painted my nails. Then it was time to open presents with the family. My sister Emily brought this huge sign out, what a sweetheart. I was spoiled from my parents with a bunch of really great and much needed gifts. I love them. I again, am so blessed.  

I then went to dinner with some really great friends. Had some good food, good conversations, good quality time. I then, was surprised with this amazing dessert. YUM.

I spent time with the girls after, and just had chill time. I loved every minute of my birthday, and cannot recall having that kind of feeling on my birthday for a very long time. I am now 22 years old. And I wish I could come up with something clever to say about that age, but I just really cant. I am blessed to still be alive and breathing, and to be surrounded by many many people who love and care about me.

My 22nd birthday was the best.

♥



almost there.

with everything that has happened, with all the feelings that have been felt. I know its okay now.

I know we are cool.

you can tell me about other girls, and i can tell you about other guys.
and thats just fine.

although i wish it was me that you were talking about, i know its better this way.

this way, i get to stay up late talking to you, talking until i fall asleep.

you will always be so special to me.

an attraction i cant explain. im drawn to you.

but this is better.

and ill keep telling myself that until i really and truly mean it.

im almost there.

kicking and screaming, youre not listening.

you arent a thing.
you probably wont be a thing.
but i regret not holding you when i had the chance.
i was there, and so were you.
it started that night.
you stood and talked with me forever.
and then you were gone.
the whole time im thinking, why me?
then, i saw you again, and that time.
you were surrounded.
but you stood there.
and i stood there.
and i let my hand rest on your shoulder
and that was that.
this isnt a thing.
but its what i feel.
and i wont know what you feel
because you never tell me.
perhaps we'll meet again.
perhaps.

these songs sing to me.

I dont know whats going to happen,
but I know even when I get there,
I wont really understand.
But thats the best way to live in my opinion,
because who wants to really understand
all the things that make us who we are.
dont close the gap between logic,
because somethings are better left
unsaid.

already.

Well, Ive been praying for a lot of oppurtunities to love on people. to evangelize. And God has been doing just that. Ive noticed within the group that i spend most of my time with at school, they are all coming from different backgrounds, ethnicity. very diverse. but im growing to really care about all of them.

its a cool feeling to walk into the classroom and know i have a spot to sit with my friends.

i do have my work cut out for me. but it will be rewarding.

thank you Lord.

my precious

These past couple of weeks at school have been great, but the topic of values and ethics have come up alot and i know its a topic that will be within my program for the duration of the program.

I had avoided making it known that I was a christian, thinking that I would be judged purely on this fact. I even avoided discussing my faith with christians in my class. My thoughts were, I wanted people to get to know me first, and then know my faith.

It became a hidden faith, and everytime faith and religion was brought up i was put in an awkward torn situation where I didnt know if I was ready to be open about it.

I would like to blame my fear on the probability that people would look down on me, or think less of my opinion on certain topics. And in this profession, Ill tell you right now, there are alot of confused, broken people. (where arent there broken people?) Many people have openly admitted they dont appreciate religious people, because their experiences with them have been unsuccessful ones. Where religion has been pushed down their throats to the point of sourness.

Well. I was humbled at a church service I went to, where I was fully called to discipleship. What I was reminded of, (because I do know this) is that what makes me, ME, is my faith. What I was portraying before was a boring self without purpose. Of course I am feeling shame. I wanted to hide my savior.

Now, Although I wont be pushing religion down peoples throat, I now see this as a mission field. Whether that be evangelizing openly, or just loving people for who they are. I will be a disciple of Christ and bring people to Christ through Him.

I will also happily admit that I did finally come forth about my faith in front of the whole class, and so far so good. I have no hateful stares! haha.

take care xo

i have these times.

driving to work today i was listening to the ethos cd 'we have seen his glory' and there is a song that just touches me everytime. its called 'I am one'

it describes us as humans, what we are to Christ.
Its not always good things
' I am one of his run -aways'
I dont know how many times I have let God down,
if he was a god that wasnt forgiving i would be in big trouble.
but thats just it.
God is always forgiving.
things get messy,
life gets hard,
i walk away,
i get bored,
i get confused,
i get scared.
and there He is.

I am so ashamed, and lost.
but He is my father.
and thats all I need.

He is my father.

chapped lips, chapstick and things like chemistry.

i promise this post wont be about school in some way. although it is hard for me to think about anything else really.

I have been feeling a little ill lately. feeling achey, and having a sore throat in the morning when i wake up. i also am experiencing a dry cough, which i normally get around this time of year, which then turns into a very mucusy hack later on. totally excited for that. :|

ive been thinking alot about my friends lately, and how much work it actually is to maintain a friendship. for some close friends its an easy task. you see them when you see them, you make time to see them, it works out. but for those friends who you need to work a bit harder at seeing, thats where the hard work really comes in. especially if your schedule is hecktic.

I find i dont even really have time to text all my friends. which in reality, i probably could text all of them, and then thats it. and now that im thinking about that, i might just do that. its just the expectation to carry on a conversation with the person that makes me hesitant.

its hard because in this time, where i am constantly somewhere, doing something, needing sleep, needing to read or finish assignments, its friends that i need the most. and yet, i have the least time for them. study dates will need to be a thing, and weekends will have to be prioritzed accordingly. but it is becoming a worry of mine that i will lose friends during this school year because of my lack of time with them. i really hope thats not the case.

really hope.

also, i have chapstick and chapped lips. and things like chemistry.
soo.
yea.

also also also.

I would really like to skype Tess-a-ling because I havent seen her face since 11 days ago, the day she left.
good golly girl, where are youuu, and why are you only online at terrible times? i misss youuuu.

&&& i dont want to keep thinking about him
so im not going to think about him
but its hard not to think about him

its stupid, and not worth my time. not one bit



ugh. :(

school days.

I dont want to jinx it, i dont want to regret saying this. But I LOVE SCHOOL.

Ive only had 3 of the 5 classes i am enrolled in, and I just love it. I am learning so much about interviewing, counselling, life development and writing professionally. I have made some friends already, and its weird to think that these are the people who will become family before i know it. the professors are also great, and the workload is mostly reading with a couple assignments sprinkled in. School in general is time consuming, I am finding I am so tired at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is read a chapter or work on an essay. I am working part time while going through school, which isnt going too bad, I have plenty of time to do homework and reading while at work. so far im on top of all my assignments and readings, which is an excellent feeling.

This past weekend, for the first time in a long time, i didnt go out and hang out with friends, thats right. I spent Friday and Saturday night in. I went to the library on Friday and got a huge chunk of my assignments and reading done. That was rewarding. Then Saturday I read 2 more chapters, and now today, Sunday, I have finished my questions and I am about to work on some reading. And as much as it is time consuming, and I do need to take breaks in between reading periods, I love what I am learning and reading about. It is so insightful.

There is one fear that I have for this program, and that is the oppurutunity to open up and disclose personal things about myself, as one of the class requirements, we are in groups and need to work on our counselling skills. Which means we will all need to talk about personal things about ourselves. It is going to take alot of trusting to be able to talk to people i dont really know all that well. I guess ill just be pushed into that.

Other than that, things are going great. School is really my only focus right now, and if im anywhere but school I feel lost. Im normally someone who is quiet until i gain confidence to speak among others. But in class I have been demonstrating speaking up and participating in class discussions -- something that has taken even myself by surprise.

Yes I think School and I are going to get along just fine.

until next time.

♥

the wrath of the alarm clock.

Well, Its finally school time. I had my first day. And I have to say, it wasnt that bad. I was unaware that it was an orientation day, so my plans of being off school at 12:20 and making it to work for 1 went out the window. The day in general was maybe pointless, alot of questions were asked that i knew the answers to. Little ice breakers and group questions. And although maybe the majority of the day was "pointless". It showed me that these faculty members actually care about us, and want us to do well. I have already made some friends, Lidya and Lily. There are alot of parents in the class, and alot of "just graduated" students. which, in my opinion, good for them, I am happy that they were able to make the decision to come back to school and to actually find a program they want to persue.

I think the best word to describe my emotions today would be overwhelmed. Just with everything. I was excited, nervous, scared, happy, confident. I walked around the school like i was an adult, like i had a purpose in that school and i knew what i was doing, because i do. When i look back to my year of college I did straight out of highschool, I had no idea which way was up. Everything seemed like a blur, and i had no passion to be there. It definitley has a highschool-esque feeling, with all the youngins i see. but i guess thats life, and i would see that anywhere i went. Its weird to think that 4 years ago, i graduated from highschool. 4 years. And although it took me 4 years to figure out what i wanted to do, it was an amazing 4 years. I have learned so much, (as one does when they are growing up) and I dont regret one minute of it.

I have three classes tomorrow, 1 of which is a 4 hour long class. Is that even legal? Its really all going to start tomorrow, and Ive already been told that there are to be no laptops, cellphones, and food. I understand why, but im still not happy with it. My teachers seem awesome and nice, and not intimidating at all, which is great because im sure i will need to utilize them as much as i can. I have faith in myself, which i think is essentially the only thing that will get me through this program. I cant be doing this program for the wrong reasons. I need to do this because I want to do it.

I was also notified that In my second year, i might have the chance to travel to Uganda in Africa for a 2 1/2 month trip to do my final practicum. In that moment i knew I wanted to really get involved in every oppurtunity that Douglas throws at me, which in this case is to travel to Africa. I did consider the fact that I am a red head, and that being in the sun in Africa can only lead to bad sun burns, but I think it would be a great way to spend the last bit of my program. --Ill keep you posted on this.

All in all, i do not think for one minute this program will be easy. But i am so excited to take the bull by the horns and try my hardest and show everyone my potential. I know I can do this, and I know I am in a place to do this. So here I come.


k}

with eyes like yours.

I dont even know what color your eyes are.
but i know theyre pretty.
and i know that you wanted to sit beside me last night.
i know you did.
and i caught you staring many times.


soo busted.

agreed on never.

the sad thing is i think of all the people ive known, met, interacted with. you are the only person that felt like home.

home.

i dont even know if you'll read this. but you are home to me.

and i think too much time has passed. i think weve both moved on.

but i miss you.

okay?

all you ever had to do was smile

so here i am,
being me,
but
not feeling like me
im sore,
ugly,
ruined,
broken.
and you just look at me
with those vampire eyes.
smiling.

thank you for smiling at me.
you made my day.

real.

I think that life sometimes for me gets hazy, and unreal. I often just go through the motions. But then there are other times where life just hits me. Where images are sharper and life just feels like breathing in a bunch of fresh air. Today was one of those days. One of my amazing great close friends left to go to Germany for 7-9 months. And for a while i thought that although Id miss her, it would go by so quickly and i would have nothing to worry about. But today happened, many things happened today. I said good bye to one of my dearest closest friends. and I was really emotional about it. I think its going to be really hard living life without her alongside me. I held a baby. I held life so small, and i just had to stop and take it in. Thinking about my future, there are so many things that are scary, and exciting. and I cant imagine a life without someone who loves me unconditionally by my side. God.

So heres to you God.


You rock. :)

wondering.

its coming up to school time. and with school time comes the lack of quality time with friends. i think my fear is falling away from the amazing friendships ive made. i will be making friends from school. but, it wont be the same. i keep thinking of what September will bring, and i have to just take a deep breath and really just be patient. alot of changes are about to blast into each other in my world. and to be honest. im not good with change. so we will just have to see what happens.

oh gosh.
what will happen?
no distractions only going forward.

going backwards is pointless.

sunshine lolipops.

i normally dont write in this format. i normally dont write about what is specifically happening in my life, because in all honesty, if you wanted to know, you would ask me. I dont even post that much on facebook.

but I wanted to share how my weekend went, and essentially what I have learned.

Friday night, I attended a good friend of mine's going away party. she is leaving on Aug 29 to go to Germany, and I have to say we sent her off in style. It was a very good turn out, with loads of people, heaps of food, good music, good pictures. and lots of laughs. It was very enjoyable, but the meaning of the party did not go unnoticed. We are all going to miss her very much, but know that this is her time to shine in Germany and love on all those people there.

Saturday, I took a shift and worked a 9-6 shift. and I kick myself everytime i do. Because it is probably the most dullest shift ever known to man. I literally sat there all day. doing nothing. answered a few phone calls of course, but it really was NOT the cats pajamas. Although it was very long, i looked forward to an evening with my sister and mother. The other 3 went to the island to visit family, so it was just us girls. we had the best dinner possible, and then enjoyed the movie BRIDESMAIDS together. I love those 2 girlies.

Sunday I took my puppy to the dog park at Buntzen Lake for the afternoon with my Sister. We taught him how to officially swim, by throwing a tennis ball into the water. He is now a swimmer. :) It was so amusing to watch him interact with other dogs, and form playful relationships with them. definitely the cutest dog at the park for sure. ;)

Sunday evening consisted of going to Ethos, where we studied the psalm 137. It was about suffering, and how to deal with it properly. which, better late than never, but I feel like it really helped me out. If you are hurting, deal with it. scream, cry if you must. because you cannot sing a happy song if your sad. I met some cool people as always. and got to love the community that i have missed for a while.

All in All i have learned that spending quality time with family is just as important as friends.

and.
last but not least.

God loves me, and is always there. even when I feel He has abandoned me.

catching this star.

and he said he couldnt complain. and i said neither could i. because i cant. life is just decent right now. and although there is stuff happening. and problems arise. i cant complain. i just really cant.

all i know is that i miss who i miss,

and that will always stay with me.

mondays. can. suck. it.

i feel like im dying.
if this is what dying feels like.
no feeling.
no nothing.
and i know something is really wrong.
because i can see all my veins.
so here i am.
wanting to sleep. sleep until it doesnt matter.
life expects too much of me.


i think im just tired.

living alive.

it was the most exhilarating moment. I came alive. because i was with you. it wasnt a dream. it wasnt anything. i didnt care. but i am so so happy that it happened this way.

lets never let this end.

xo

why now.

and if its going to happen, let it happen.
but you must know that my heart is tucked away
hidden, itll take a long time for you to find it.
so.

there.

here we are

Where is my heart? but most importantly where is my mind? And to hear that people actually talk about me in a positive light is so uplifting to my heart "where did Kylie come from?" I think what everyone needs to realize is that I was here the whole time.

so come forward. and give me that hug. because I know you wanted to. and dont blame it on your awkwardness because thats just a myth.

you remind me of my favorite jacks mannequin song.

im not going to write you a love song

there are so many things i could say. for starters lets talk about how i still remember that plea. the one where you asked me to never call anyone that name. because it was yours. i remember that. i remember you. and i think that was pretty close to love. but then you know, reality hit. then there is the fact that i got excited about someone. and its retarded. because like. what the heck? you were cute dear. and i appreciate how you were forward. lets do that again? then theres the fact that i really want to go to this party. i really do. but it just seems like so much work. my mind has been running and running. and i have nothing to show for it. im half here, and half in seattle. and my memory is terrible. so here i am. with all these little things. and not one of you is going to understand it. because normal people dont think like this. i swear.

get over it.
and take pictures with people.
 because everyday you age.
 and youll never look as young as you did yesterday.

goshdarn

you say your fine, i know you better than that.

aside from managing my money, i think the biggest struggle in my life right now, is understanding that my life has a purpose, and that i need to be content with celibacy. im not saying im not happy, or that im feeling down. i find joy in my life. but i know the feeling of liking someone, the i-know-where-you-are-in-the-room-liking someone, where you dress prettier when you know that persons gonna be there. that kind of liking, that makes you have a pep in your step. that brings a type of happiness. and lately. i just dont have that.

i guess what im trying to say is, im trying to figure out if im okay with that or not. its a nice refreshing change from how i usually am. and i suppose it is making me focus on other important things in my life. and im not saying its boring, because i still have fun. but, its just a weird feeling. i feel like im missing something. and i guess its better than the alternative, and constantly be thinking about it. i am blessed in that way. and I know God will surprise me. i guess until then, i will be me. and just focus on life goals and ambitions.


ohh gosh.

so easy to weep

I listened to an excellent sermon the other night. It was talking about how important it is to rejoice in the Lord, when terrible things are happening. With all the deaths in Colorado, and people I know personally who are struggling with their health. Its so hard to think that God is being good right now. It is so hard to praise when right now, life isnt praise worthy.

I think something we need to constantly remind ourselves is that today, we woke up. we had some breakfast, we are breathing, we have plans, we have people in our lives that love us.

and all of that is because of the Almighty King.

God expects us to get angry, and get sad. that is why he made us with emotions. But He expects us to praise Him, and trust in Him, because without Him, we are lost.

rejoice in the Lord.
He is good.
♥

up there.

has it almost been a year? i always thought i would forget certain things. times. moments. i dont know much. but i dont think that is important now. the fact of the matter is you would have been happy. and i think thats the best thing. all i can think about is the last moments. what were you talking about. were you talking. were you listening to music. i think the hardest thing, is knowing i had given up on you. you were just another conversation piece. that i could care less about. but when we got that phone call. and things just didnt seem right, and once we knew we knew. its like, all of that didnt matter. you were gone. you are gone. on the day. the day me and her walked you down the isle. i carried you. and i felt like that was the closest we had been in a long time. and no one knows. because how would they. i just miss you.

i miss you.
dd.
♥

moom

i only have 9 minutes. so this is going to be quick.
i dont understand why people can step on me. they say hurtful things while smiling.
maybe they dont know im sensitive.
maybe ive put up a front.
or maybe i just let people walk all over me.
i could scream or cry.
really.
i could.

i hate being so sensitive.
why does it seem like im the only one who cares.



garbonzo sticks.

the corner of cambie and 16th

because when the sun and the water and hot pavement smells come out, thats when you know. with nothing to report i feel weird. im content. ive finished the walking dead season 2. and its sad i didnt watch it with him. but im over it. it was good and now im just looking forward to watching season 3. ive eased in well in the life of a celibate. ive come to the conclusion that i look for future prospects. and that is not my job. the time will come when its meant to. im excited to make food. because i dont get the oppurtunity when im home. i just dont. im blessed i have a car. because i can drive places. and im blessed i have amazing friends. whom i can drive to and hang out with. this past weekend was just awesome. and in this specific time. i need them closer than ever. memories never fade if they are worth hanging onto. its going to be okay. its going to be fine. dont worry. i wasnt that much anyway. youve moved on. which i knew you would. you cant play the sad card for long. its not you. ill see you later tho, you know i will. and we'll see.

what was this post even about....

pfft. idek.

'the main group'

So this is it, the stretch before school starts. This summer is going to be alot of penny pinching and saving for school. i have a list. and the items on my list are in no particular order

• school
• a full years worth of car insurance
• a new laptop
• an iphone
• next semesters tuition

I gotta say, Ive been saving up loads. And the only way possible is with my parents helping me out by letting me live rent-free. I know it will be a rewarding feeling once I have that amount saved up. Im working hard. and Im hard at work.

adulthood is upon me.

hello wrinkles ;)

nywklov

its hard to remember back that far. and that sucks. but i remember walking down the hallway. and i dont know if it was who you were with, or if i knew you already. but it started then. thats when it started. you made us late. we missed our bus. you were so interesting, and we were so interesting. and we all laughed and joked. and then, it became a thing. we would meet after school everyday. and hang out. and thats what we did. everyday. we would talk about everything and anything. and now that i look back. you wouldnt have stuck around if you werent interested in one of us. and i know that one of us was me. gosh. just thinking about it now. i feel so stupid. you could have been my first boyfriend. while i was dazed and confused about other guys. you were right there. and you didnt force anything. but i see it now. you were so great. and then. you said you had to move. that you were moving back to where your parents lived. and this feeling of sadness over came me. i was losing one of my best friends. and we promised we would stay in touch. and you wrote in my yearbook that you loved me so much. and that i was beautiful and how you wished i was yours. and i thought that was normal. but you wouldnt write that in anyone elses. and then you went. and i decided that i needed you in my life still. and we dated. and we said i love you. but it wouldnt work. and we both knew that. and that was back then. and with the odd mention of your name. we forgot you. because it hurt too much. so we hung out with other people. and we did different things. and now. my dear friend. you are married. probably to an amazing girl. who gets you, and makes you smile, and makes you laugh, and challenges you. who loves you. and im not saying i want that. because i was just so young. and im not necessarily saying anything would have happened. but i think today. when i found out you were married. i realized how much time had passed. and what kind of friend i became. the worst. i didnt care. and yes it was because i was hurt. but. i should have swallowed that and sucked it up. ive decided life is too short. and without telling all of you it with a cliche tone. i mean it. people get tattoos that say 'no regrets' i dont believe that even for a second. because we always always have regrets. whether they are valid or not.

so so humble.

the sun only shines for so long.

let the sun set, let the parties start, the the fireworks go, let the lights shine, let the kissing start, let the drinks pour, let the laughter happen, let the love grow, let the adrenaline soar, let the warmth hug you, let the music blare, let the smiles last, let the conversations go on forever, let the night turn into morning, let the freedom overwhelm, let the fun never die, let the adventures begin, let hands be held, let friends be friends, let the aromas seal upon you, let nostalgia last, run, laugh, yell, party, love, dont let it stop.

lost and insecure, you found me.

It was like a shocking panic. the thought of not finding someone to share my life with, soon, or just ever overwhelmed me. i thought of the candidates. i thought of the test results, the measurings of each one. compatibility. i know movies are far from reality. i know everything in movies doesnt happen in real life. but i do know that sometimes it does. i want prince charming. i want someone who i trust and get and love. and sometimes guys.. sometimes i feel like standing up and screaming 'when will it be my turn?'  because really. i have been waiting patiently for 2 years now. of course ive had things here and there. 'oh i like that boy' 'oh he's cute' but really. none of them have stuck around to turn into anything. I know God has His timing. I know. but then I start thinking of maybe im actually unlikable... what if my flaws are just too much.

Its one of those moments ladies and gentlemen, where I just feel like having a big ol' temper tantrum. because I want things done my way.

but God whispers ' just wait child. just wait.'

And so, because I trust my Father, and well. because i really have nothing else better to do, I will wait. and I will wait, and wait and wait and wait.

and prince charming will be worth it.

because they always are.

:)

waiting on a wish.

sing me a little song my dear.

but better yet

drum me a drum.

because here is now

and forever is upon us

when i feel good i sing.

guys.. i dont even know. hopes are hopes, and dreams are dreams, but in the end its not up to me. only time will be able to tell. all im saying is. i might be having a heart attack. but its like. what does a heart attack even feel like right? you dont know until its too late.

jee wizz.

who says you're not perfect?

so its not how it should be. that doesnt mean it never will be. life happens when you least expect it. im not worried so much, just impatient. the 2 year old in me wants to fight and have a tantrum. but i will keep my composure. ive got life ahead of me. and that. is the biggest blessing.

look at my cup, no cares in there.

im not going to say that it didnt cross my mind. that i didnt think of talking to you. because it did. i thought about it. but what was stopping me was what i thought my progress had been. I thought i had moved on. that you couldnt touch me. couldnt hurt me. and id like to still think that. fake it until you make it ae? but oh gosh. i feel like i was hit by a ton of bricks. i dont understand it. i dont know why i still let you get under my skin. why you make me feel this way. there is fear, but also disgust and hurt. oh so hurt. because in the end, what did i do? im not going to answer you. so you can stop trying. im moving on. and really, im just going to pretend you didnt happen.

adios loser.

Ah les lieux j'irais avec vous

the pne. the waterfalls. road trips to anywhere. horseback riding. Mexico. Disneyland. the candy store. my house. your house. church. grandmas house. ikea. castlefunpark. the zoo. science world. the aquarium. work. my work. your work. movie theater. lafarge lake. the mall. wested mall. restaurants. golf. the grouse grind. Robson street. concerts.concerts.concerts. buntzen lake. canoeing. kayaking. the mountains. the river. long walks. warm comfy movie days. crazy adventures. starbucks. mcdonalds. silver things. smiles. smiles.

taking it sloww.

life is going in slug time. im trying so hard to be patient, and to live as if this day is my last. but i always find myself looking out into the future. always needing to feel prepared. i have to feel ready. and right now that is killing me. its really making life just purely miserable. my need to feel prepared. but the thing is, i dont know how to do the alternative. of course its society. people graduating, people getting married, people having babies. and im standing here. and thats what im doing. im standing here. i dont know how to make it better. i dont. i dont know how to be content. well. i know what to do to become content. but im stubborn. i want things done my way. and that right there. that is what makes me a sinner. gosh darn.

lord, i pray that i am humbled.

that my patience would not run out, 

that you would instill in me a sense of purpose,

but also understanding that your timing is absolutely perfect

that things will happen when they happen

and that right now all i need to do is rejoice in you,

because today is a new day, 

that you have given me.

♥

live it out.

its true honey.

so true.

pretty pretty pretty

because really, what it comes down to is impatience. but then there is the true facts that support things like essays. what if i were to write an essay? i probably would be able to write an essay strictly on my feelings alone. ive gone past foolishness. id like to think my head is on straight now. and its like. i dont actually want anything. i cant have anything. but of course thats never the case. all i think about is things. that happen. with people. and then i have my doubts. and then i freak out. and then i wanna yell things. but like.. when does that ever help things right? im not quite sure. all i know is, why not put myself out there. when all i have to lose is nothing. the chances seem pretty great. i guess ill know in a couple days. its just the waiting game.  oh yes. that game everyone hates. until then im going to just play it off like im so not thinking about anything of that sort. nothing ladies and gentlemen. oh gosh.

wish me luck.

something beautiful about a boy that smiles.

bottomline.

dont

even

think

about

it.

goshdarn.

i thought about it.

happy fathers day.

i have to say, i had a very wonderful fathers day with my dad yesterday. lots of laughs.lots of presents. lots of food. lots of hiking? haha.

i love him. ohhh do i ever.
i love my daddy and my daddy loves me.

xo.

pinky freckle.

it was like, noo, its fine. its more intimate. and you reassured me that shit was going down.
but that probably wasnt the first thing that caught me. but if i didnt know then, i know now.
and the secret, is to keep it a secret. because no one likes a blab. for right now, ill keep you my dirty little secret.

mhmm, aha, mhmm.

:)

my identity is in Christ alone.

to firmly state that my identity is in Christ alone is sort of hard to say.
its not in my friends, nor in my school, nor in my work, nor in my family, nor in what i read, nor in the music i listen to, nor in the food i eat, the clothes i wear, the car i drive.

to say that my identity is in Christ alone, means that I know I am God's daughter. that my relationship with Christ is based on the trust and understanding that everything I do in life, whether to glorify Him or not, affects my relationship with Him. That God sent His only son down to be a human, and to die for all of our sins. Jesus died for me. to let that sink in, and really understand the passion and meaning of that.

Jesus went up on that cross, and said 'It is finished' no more.
He died for me. DIED.

But then, probably the coolest thing ever, He rose from the grave, because what good is a dead god?

He is a risen King.

So to say my identity is in Christ alone, yea, its hard. But God did something so amazing for me, so I am going to stand tall and not be ashamed.

He is my saviour.
you can be sure of that!

hello and goodbye.

Ive been wanting to blog the past couple of days, with things in my mind, topics to speak about.

I just havent had the time.

TIME. 

isnt it funny, how everything really depends on time.

do you have enough time? will you make it on time? are you out of time?

anyways, Timing was on my side, and to be specific, God's timing.

I got accepted into the program I had been praying for!

PRAISE THE LORD.

♥ - in a very happy mood.

those days.

its actually frightening to see your face.
my stomach turns remembering.
i mean, i remember the beginning.
the middle.
the end.
playing with my hair like it was gold.
surprise kisses.
talking on the phone every night.
skype dates at work.
'you're the best' 'no, your the best'.
secrets.
keeping you a secret.
yelling and screaming at me.
verbal abuse really.
i liked you so much.
because i actually liked you.
but you removed me from your life,
so i had to as well.
out of all of them.
you are the worst.
the worst.

you didnt know my name.

slap. in. the. face.
this week has been so harsh.
and i think i'll leave it at that.


lets hold hands through this one.
okay?

be still.

be smart.

be wise.

life is what you make it.

always be prepared for the worst,

but expect the best.

you got this.

:) 

the hills are long.

and it was us,
and we were standing in the kitchen,
and we had just met,
and my eyes kept on yours
and you were so great,
and you made me smile,
and my face made a face,
and without a word you knew,
and you said 'whats up?'
and its like you knew,
and you read me.
and you understood me
and that,
is probably the biggest turn on. ever.

where are you?
because i was never done.
never.

play that funky music white boy.

the silence is beautiful.
maybe thats my sign.
in this time i need to be focused on other things.
i need to make you less of a priority.
because im running around in my mind
trying to make this work.
right now
its not going to work.
now i just need to accept that.

oh bullocks.

love means forever.

If someone wants to be a part of your life they will make an effort to be in it.

So dont bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesnt make an effort to stay.

xo

these keys were made for typing

kjsakdjsafjd

but seriously, is life supposed to be like this?

i know people say life isnt fair

but guys..

i mean come on!?

for life to be completely cruel and cold hearted?

i suppose its not like i have nothing, but in comparison of what i want.

i have nothing.

why do i have this feeling that no one can understand?

dont tell me its over, and not worth my time.

if i dont fight, then whats the point.

you have the potential to be my everything.

and you're still in space, looking at the stars.

patience is a virtue.

but really.

i mean.

come on.

 ♥♥♥

eyes closed. dreams dreamt

I literally sat for 10 minutes trying to think of how I would put how I am feeling into words. before that 10 minutes I had written about 5 different copies of what I wanted to say. Needless to say, I am still at a loss for words, but I will tell you this.

This picture says it all.

one day you'll realize.

have I been on your mind

as much as you've been on mine?

♥

sailboats with white shades

how many times must i write and delete.
these words will never form fully.
im trying to grasp something thats not even really there.
what truths am i holding on to?
its like im trying to escape.
but everywhere i turn there is something or someone else.
my innner being longs to be close.
i want a close-ness
but i just need to wake up from this dream.
not yet.
not now.
soon,
but not yet.


when will the time come?

let the sun shade the lonely.

im running in the dark, there are lamps everywhere and i cannot find my way. ive got fire in me but its only in rapid flashes. its not consistent, its not all the time. i just want to be filled to the top with gasoline so i can burn forever. ill burn for you Jesus. im on track. but not quite there. im trying to find my identity in other things. im trying to play the part. but the fact of the matter is. there is no part for the sinner. the only possible being that would want a sinner like me is the Holy One Himself.

ohh yea.
Him <3

spells were cast.

i was enchanted to meet you. i will forever remember the first time. and i hate that i need to write these things. that i need to get them down. but i think its a bit differeent with you and me. i just think.

so i will wait.
while you search.
:)

broken strings came on at work today, and i just sat there and tried to be okay with where things are at with us. like i actually dont know what happened. i cant even remember. i dont even know where my head was at. i mean, i was probably up in the clouds. far from this earth. trying to figure things out. trying to reach goals. but why did i let this happen. that was never my intent, never what i wanted. Even though i dont fully want to believe it, the only understanding i can come by is that it was meant to be. that what happened, happened for a reason. id like to think i know the reason. id like to think it was because i was meant to make new friendships out of this heartache. but its still a sore spot in my heart. and i honestly think it will forever be. im not quite sure how i can mend the things that were said and done and make them better, besides just move forward. i think my own therapy is to try and put as much space and time between me and that time.  all i can say, is im not that girl anymore. ive changed. i have different goals, ambitions, wants, desires, loves, heartache, laughter. im not saying goodbye, because goodbye is final, and who knows. we might need to meet up one time and connect again. where we are in different places in our lives. but for now, i say so long. so long to the long nights. so long to the memories of laughter and pure bliss. so long to the ever lasting love for you guys. so long to the times we cant remember. so long to the times we do remember. so long to those people. 

todays news.

i dont know what to make of you. of course im going to believe what i keep telling myself. i cant even put my finger on what youve become to me. its like im not worried, because i have this feeling that it will all work out. but i grow impatient, and feel as if we arent headed into the direction we are meant to go in. and then i just question if you are just playing with my mind. i question if the things youve said to me, youve said to others. my heart is so guarded. and i think honestly its because you seem so perfect. i think i just generally want something to make me sure.

and who said that? i cant even think back now and try to figure out whose voice it was. because if it was yours. what does that mean?

please dont fall in love with someone else.

calm my heart

im feeling content. im feeling sure. its times like these, times where i am so happy, and just content. that i wonder, if it is even possible to be down in the dumps. it seems like a far away world from where i am right now, i am free. my hair is getting longer. the sun is showing its face. the day is good. Jesus died. Jesus died today, a long time ago. He sacrificed himself. wow. i should have brought nail polish to work today. its one of those days. my lips are being chapped. why you no be moist lips? brought timbits to work today. its only been me and Jerry eating them... hmmfp. I miss my friends. but they moved on. so shall I. i have new friends now. thats what I say. Also, when i go to school, I wont want alot of friends. isnt it funny how God works? I did what I did without thinking. I am proud. someone took my charger.. I dont know who they are, but they just took it and didnt say thankyou. rude much? i hope they bring it back.. :S seriously thoo.. where did they go with it? its at Ashleys desk. i think its time to get an iphone. i think im going to text Danika.&Courtort. man. I am blessed. and i am bored of this. tumblr? sure why not. lets also text Jeff. its time. :) so long.

\:)

blessed.

i cant even begin to describe what i am feeling at this point in my life.

but i will say this.

He is so good,
so so
good to me.

♥

the tide is high, but im holding on.

I am so joyful that the Holy Spirit is in me. I am glad that I know he has a path for me. Although it is a long path, I will wait because I know it is in his timing that things work out the way they should. He does everything for our good. He will never hurt me. I feel so content, and can describe it as laying in a hammock. I am being held by the Lord Jesus Christ.

All glory to you my Dearest ♥

Joy comes in the morning.

I wish I could be a motivational speaker. Because what I have experienced is only from the works of God. I am sure many people have been through hardships, and then see their life transform from hard times to good times, but literally, I leaned on God in the hardest time of my life. 2011. and I cant even begin to count the many things that have brought a smile to my face this year. Through something bad, God will bring something good. I see that now, I see that as hard as that was, it was so worth everything now. I point to my Lord and Savior for why I am filled with so much joy. Thank you for transforming me God.
thank you
thank you.

xo

hello, hello.

for this to make sense you would need to understand the situation that has arose. but since i do not want to have the situation in writing, i will just talk about it as if you were to know.

its not even a feeling of attraction.
well not in the way you think.
its needing to know more.
there have been few whom have intrigued.
i guess ill wait.
but i hold on to things that dont mean anything.
i truly do.
glances, looks,words.
im a fool.
i should actually save myself and go dive into a dumpster and stay there.

i thougth about leagues the other day.
its funny, ive never thought i was out of someones league, or that they were out of my league.
but could i be a little minno when really you are looking for full on gigantic salmons?
ive lost my mind my friends.
i dont even know who i am anymore.

come back. come back.
where is that girl who was not afraid to ask questions?

shes still here :)

if this is even out there.

there have only been a few times in my life where i have felt it to be dream-like or movie-esque. where what is happening could never be real unless it wasnt. i thrive on those moments. where i find myself places, and i question how it all happened, how its really happening. Its in these moments that I know I am exactly where I am meant to be, that the glory of God is so magnificent. I think I try to rush God, and once I feel like I am onto his plan, I get excited and jump to conclusions. while i dont know the full plan of what God has in store for me, I do know that I was supposed to be where I was this past weekend, that I was supposed to learn what I did, and I was supposed to feel how i did. Now, its just a matter of praying, and making sure i dont get too excited, I find when I get too excited and try to jump the gun, God changes my path. whatever that amazing Lord is up to, im thrilled.

lets just pray for patience.

oh, sometimes i get a good feeling.

believe me i wanted to.
but you have to know something.
from now on, im playing hard to get.
because those who try matter,
and those who dont, dont.
you tried my dear.
but only for a minute.
thank you.
you gave me hope.
and you smelt amazing.
but i am the wind.
you'll never catch me.