hmmm.

hey remember that time where all i could dream about is you? why do i feel so compelled by you? Im putting all the pieces together without even wanting to. i dont want this. i dont want to psych myself up, and lose all hope in humanity and love. i keep thinking, you would like this. you would like this. but do i even know what you would like? im spinning my head around not knowing which way is up, and all i can say is i hope youre there. but do i? maybe its best kept a memory. a really awesome, lovely, memory. i dont know if you would even want to get involved with what i am. i am shocked. confused. taken aback.

dunno.dun care.

black nails & eyes

feeling so evil. wanting to use you for selfish purposes. but I have to remember that at one point in my life I loved you. I want to believe I did. And I think thats why its so easy with you. I feel like i am in black, waiting to be bad. oh for reasons im sure you know. and youre so innocent in the worst way. and im trying to keep my cool. Im trying not to cry my eyes out. because he will be the one that got away. if you can even say that. but who knows, maybe it would have ended up like a taylor swift song. all good things do. all things mixing together playing with my emotions. im so good at playing it cool. im so good at being respectful. but for only so long.

im waiting but hanging on a thread. wondering if this will ever happen, or if ive ruined it already.

eyes on me

oh youre so smooth.
with your hair in your face.
youve got that look
and i catch you looking at my face.
and in that moment i am so vulnerable.
eyes on me
eyes on me
eyes on me


but not so sure.

im known for this.
so just dont.

holding my breath.
falling asleep
letting it melt.

noel.

So i must say these past few weeks have been pretty bland. no christmas spirit within me. these days were the same old. and today. the 20th. i was overcome with the feeling of joy. Christmas is coming. I cant wait to spend the entire day with my family, and make more memories. this might be the best christmas. who knows. all I know is that God has blessed me on this day, and im feeling mighty joyous towards this spiritual occasion :)

Merry Christmas from my heart to yours.
and Happy new year!!

LOVE YOU ALL.

holla.

there are flags that go up, that did go up.
you would think you would have done the things that i asked
you would think
honestly the other night was a blast. and sitting and realizing that there was more to me then i had let on.
im a complex individual too.
you could have replied with that.
i have flaws.
quirks.
truly beautiful in my imperfections.
and you know why?
because I was made in Gods image.
so please get off your high horse.
stop making me feel like this is just too much.
because honestly.
thats what its all about.

sad in bed.

when searching for a photo for this post, i was reminded of how weird this world is. typing 'sad in bed' in google images brought me many pictures of people laying in bed looking sad. why would anyone need a picture of that?

I guess i did.

being sad is a thing thats happening today. its alot of one thing, and some of other little things. I have had very little sleep lately. and i think thats a factor of why my brain is not functioning properly.

I also had disrespected myself.

so with all this in mind. ive been saying things that lead to other bad things. and the whole time im thinking 'this is okay, im saying what i feel'

no.

i really dont think i feel this way.

i wish time machines existed, but in reality, what good does it do? remind you of times when things were better? take you into the future where its unknown?

im holding onto the strings that once was a rope. and im slowly losing them.

but what good is a rope or even strings for that matter if youre already standing on the ground?

ive fallen, but im standing. so perhaps its time.

just wishing for a better story.

sad.in.bed.

good vibrations.

When life is so short, and we are not aware of when our time is up, why are we still living like we have all of this time?. Life is supposed to be messy, hard and imperfect. through the broken there is beauty. A life without risk is a dull life. jump up to the plate, and hit the ball. here we are. lets go.

freedom & hurt

let me open my eyes
let me remember what its like
let me breathe
let me catch my breath

hi.

hey you. yea you. you better be careful okay?
because this is starting to become more real.
okay
js.

:)