turn the page.

i'm sorry i let it go too far. bleed out. become a type of something. but i warned you. im not ready. not as ready as i need to be. i hope you'll understand. because one day we're all going to be happy. we just need to wait until then.

the first day of the rest of my life.

He makes all things work together for our good♥

beyond terms.

to think of it. to think of you. to think of smiles. to think of laughing. to think of what can be. i literally have watched the same car circle around like 10 times. i'm a snake. i will eat you whole. i cant help it. i have ways. you wont be able to leave. you wont be able to get away. the black hole. you always want what you cant suck in. give me a chance. throw me the rope. give me a hand. because i want you more than words can describe. im walking on eggshells. its like im in willy wonkas factory, and im being tested by willy himself. i hope i pass. please let me pass. i have been trying so hardd!

i will eat you whole.

so what about your princess?

as small as that addition was. it made my heart skip a beat. which reminded me of you. i thought i was moving on. but you come up. i dont feel like this with other people. you make me feel so naive and free and innocent. is that crazy or is that crazy. i dont even know you. you are this far away dreamland to me. something i can only think about. but what would happen if dreams became reality. would it be the same? or is living like this the best that it can get. i know history. i know its not all fun and games. but `you got a hold on me. you really got a hold on me. now the real question is if i will do anything about it.
later skater.

♥

the sun will always have a shadow.

my hair is pinned back. in one of those really tight ballerina buns. not a messy bun. not a loose bun. a tight ballerina bun. im finding im liking my hair like this. its professional. its unpredictable. i really really really want to go to the lunch doctor. like really badly. but not yet. i have things to do. things to work on. goals to reach. i have questions. probably more rhetorical. they probably will never be answered. but i wonder. i wonder sometimes how it would be. if i had someone. what would that mean for them? how would they feel? is it bad that i feel guilty about it? like i shouldnt. the emotional scars that are there, the wrong doings. the idea in a whole makes me sick. its a road i really dont want to go down. eventually it will happen. i will need to go down it. but, right now? no. i cant do that to them. they arent ready. they dont know. im going to pick matthew up at the airport tonight. haha more like early tomorrow morning. oh my. i cant wait though. he has always been a friend i can have some fun times with. a really great guy. i am also going to see a movie with courtney. i really do love her. alot. she tells me things about her cat rubbing blood on her. the book im reading about is about wanganui. totally God right there. its pretty good. i wrote ty & kahu letters last night. man. i just think about all our memories. i think of caltex, and the man soap. i think of the many games of pictionary. i think of our endless nights, when the night didnt even start until we were together. i remember my feet were always warm. all the laughs. all the road trips. all the moments. all the dreams. all the friends. when anger was so loud and we drove to kai iwi. how i cried so hard. and only britnee knew. but she didnt even know. no one knows. those days are behind me. but the feelings are still with me. i thank God for putting them in my life. they own a big chunk of my heart. they do. i made a calculator once. and i was really proud of myself. i had no friends. but i learned to be content by myself. its what happened. and it was always my fault. they never told me why. but it always was. he liked me. he liked me alot, but he never thought he could get me. so he asked her out. and they dated for forever. what if it had been me? what if we were all as friendly as we wanted to be? who says im not perfect? who says im not beautiful? im going to go back to normal. i can tell you that. so be ready for it. you are playing with the lock to my heart. using bobby pins, to try and unlock it. you just need to go find the key okay? i cant get over it. its always been him. its always been him. and glances say everything. he is hers. its like being a pool of water and not being able to breath. no oxygen, no escape. i knew it would happen. but not this way. i want to kick and scream. let out all my anger, and sad pathetic plee. its me. you should want me. he should want me. why doesnt he want me? im all done. im no more.

so lets raise a glass to freedom. it only lasts a little while.

yliek.

its so hard when it doesnt come easy.

id meet you there.
i would.

-k

soon

it will be the saddest day. the hardest moment. the worst thing. when that happens. when what i have dreamed of for as long as i can remember, happens to you, instead of me.

im just saying.

that thing on my wrist.

you lose sight of whats to come, and you start to think about the now. the hurt. the want. the need. i think i need to constantly remind myself. that there will be a guy that will hold the door open for you. a guy who will sweep the hair behind you ear. a guy who will whisper in your ear ' you are beautiful'. a guy who will make you laugh, and will think of ways to make you laugh. a guy who will know your likes and dislikes. a guy who will understand you. a guy who will miss you. a guy who has patience. a guy who will look out for you. a guy who will love Jesus as much as you. a guy who has a passion for youth just like you. a guy who will smile when you smile. a guy who will love your family, and your family will love him. a guy who you feel comfortable with, but also feel a sense of mystery and adventure. a guy who will keep you on your toes. a guy who will challenge you. a guy who will want to play board games with you. a guy who will make you tea. a guy who takes pictures. a guy who always knows how to calm you down. a guy who is not afraid to open up. a guy who can trust you. a guy who surprise you. a guy who will respect you. a guy who will brighten your days. a guy who is just right for you. a guy who will help you paint your nails. a guy who is genuinely interested in your day. a guy who will understand your quirkiness. a guy who is just as quirky as you. a guy who is friends with your friends. a guy who likes your friends. a guy who will give you his jacket if you are cold. a guy who will kiss your nose. a guy who will praise Jesus with all his heart. a guy who likes the same music as you. a guy who has the same humour as you. a guy who is best friends with your siblings. a guy who can cook you food. a guy who enjoys reading. a guy who can talk through problems with you. a guy who will hold your hand. a guy who will not pressure you to do anything you dont want to do. a guy who will just go on random drives with you. a guy who will give you butterfly kisses.

i know he is out there. i can feel it.
hey hun, im waiting for you...

kyliee

and they stay there.

breath in. exhale. that was a wake up call. a false alarm. but what would you do if that had happened? would your whole world crumble? no. would you succumb into a deep depression? no. but would you feel a tremendous stinging sensation and feel really confused and hurt? of course. i don't think anyone is normal. so yes, i will say I'm weird. but i don't know if i like being known for that. lets give myself some credit here. I'm a pretty decent person when i want to be. i do enjoy making strange noises, and the majority of the time they are in public. sometimes i dont care what I'm wearing and so that might include clothes you wouldn't put together. i find unusual things funny, and i really do enjoy music that hasn't seen the light of mainstream. I like really raw films and documentaries. i do enjoy watching normal chick flicks and actions as well, and obviously scary movies. i have a different way of thinking, and i do believe there are blocks in certain areas of my brain. i do not understand a lot, but i understand most of the time. i avoid conflict like the plague, and try to incorporate humour into everything. i like to pretend i know what I'm talking about. i can zone out and think about things for a long period of time, and then come to and wonder.. just how long was i zoned out for? my favorite time to think is in the car. driving and listening to music and i will be gone. i have highs and lows, and as much as i push you away, its the last thing i want. but do keep your distance, if i pull you in, there is a chance i might get bored. let it be gradual. alot of the time i wont be able to explain things, its like my brain cant grasp the concept of teaching what it knows. i have a lot of memories. memories i remember, and memories i dont remember. i have dreams, hopes, and aspirations. if i could stop time and just work on reaching those things in life that i care about, then things might work out once and a while. im lucky often, if luck even exists. but i do things almost in my own timing. which the majority of the time is late compared to everyone else. being born, actually understanding that math equation, learning how to drive, wearing makeup, and probably getting married. so yes, maybe i am weird. but i think im just a complex human being, so if thats what you want man, then here i am.

roll the dice.

im not going to pretend like i dont care. like im not super stoked that you're talking to me more often. im doing my best. but its coming pretty easy. because even though i do care, i dont really care. life is too short. and i know that everything happens for a reason. thats all im going to say. i asked you if your tattoo reminded you of me. and you know what you said? nothing. i dont know if you even read this anymore, but what im getting from your lack of contact is that the friendship we had, it meant nothing, it wasnt important to you. you my dear are a pretty good actor. i dont know why, i feel like im constantly holding my breath. walking on egg shells. waiting for something really bad to happen. im not living. im existing. there is a big difference. now dont start thinking that im depressed or just miserable. no no. im just, not being challenged. I want God to push me past the limits i have placed on myself. go do something crazy Kylie. feel again. let yourself get excited. feel passion. cry. laugh. scream. smile. im going camping this weekend. and im interested in how its going to play out. not that i dont think it will be fun, but i have a tendency to compare and contrast. ill try my best not to. dan is graduating. she is growing up. she is a young lady. a young lady. i remember always being jealous of her. she is so strong willed. such an awesome chika. i am so proud of her. so so proud.



until the next time. lady.
♥

you ordered a pepperoni pizza, this is pizza hut.

this past weekend i travelled to whistler for a girls retreat that the youth group i volunteer with put on. We all got in our vehicles and drove 2 hours to the land of the beautiful. once there we found our rooms and got settled in. may i just say that our suites were nothing but gorgeous! we all participated in a progressive dinner including salad, soup, nachos, brocolli and mushroom stir fry and some lovely sundaes. after a long drive and a long night of getting to know one another better we went to sleep. on saturday we watched a video of Lisa Wenchel from the 80's tv show "Facts of Life". She spoke on friendship and the right kind of friends to look for. after that we enjoyed some great lasagna and salad and we got to meet Miss Canada's Tara Teng. She shared her testimony and seemed like a genuinely great person. we then went to the village and did a scavenger hunt. the day was really beautiful, and i really enjoyed laughing and getting to know those amazing girls. although we werent doing anything strenuous i found i became really exhausted over the weekend. coming home made me realize how blessed i am that God has put such an amazing community in my life. i was once a highschooler who went to youth and looked up to leaders. im really honored to be seen as a leader and to be able to mentor these young ladies and help them through highschool. I am also so blessed to be able to share the word of God with them, and to tell them about who Jesus is.

this weekend was amazing.

♥

the scars of your love.

baby. baby belongs to him. the very first one. the one most people wouldn't even remember. i remember the way he said it, the way he chewed his peas so loud, the way i felt so happy. long days ago. long hurts ago. i remember falling on the ground, crying. when i look back now, i think of how naive i was. but the focal point was that i was so happy, so so happy. and since then, baby has been his. no other person has gotten away with calling me baby. baby is his. i think i just miss the friend. i think i just miss in general. i miss the person, who can hold all my thoughts. i want that. i long for the innocence of a relationship that is pure.

i gots to listen to my pier ♥

walkin around with a volvo umbrella.

get used to rejection baby, she said. its gonna be around forever; im so bold when i dont mean to. and analyzing everything is my problem. im used to your harsh words, because immunity is key. it would be sweet. sunny days. sunglasses. flats. tights. im seeing beauty. because of you. dont be scared of me. just dont. im a terrible person. but arent we all? thanks for remembering little things. i guess thats the nice part of you. but your evil monster mask is still on. im still clueless as to why i care. why do i care? and im so limited to who i can tell. because telling wont do you any justice. no one can possibly understand. and believe me im trying. im trying to seem like i dont care. like waiting is my favorite thing. like its okay if you die. i think you'll understand. im praying for you. and i cant hate you. its just my defense mechanism.

i talk you later munchkin.