tell me whats going on.

i feel like God is showing me over and over how much he yearns for a relationship with me. lately i have noticed i am being ignored. by friends, by family. not being told things. not being talked to. and whats getting to me is how annoying it is. how inconsiderate it seems when someone is ignoring you. how awful you feel. how helpless. i think God is trying to drive into me how much it pains him when i ignore him. when i dont take part in the relationship i have with him. how i need to put him first. because if i dont, nothing else really matters. to be constantly thinking of

him, and lifting him higher. i have been putting others before him lately. and i can feel the space between us now. the void, the gap.

oh lord, hear my cry. i long for you;;

tar snoo bear?

i cant even understand why i want it so bad. why i want the attention you dont give me. it would make sense that i would just move on, forget you. but knowing all i know, you are the most wonderful thought that has passed through my mind lately. but i get like this. i dive in. i dont wade. so forgive me for my annoying texts. its only because i want to talk to you. your few texts are what put the smile on my face, and you actually have no clue. ill be praying for you. because you need it. i know this. my wisdom is mine, so i will share it. smile. and breathe. always always make that face. and remember that you affect people more then you think.
i dive in. i dont wade.

sweetchild.

party like its not your birthdayyy - - - - •

i strongly suggest going through a phase of not caring. i think one of my favorite memories of my life, was having a dance party in december 2010. with the lights flashing, music blaring, drowning out any feeling. you dance like you dont care. better then drugs. better then alcohol. better then any addiction to get you high. you become invincible. you can take on the world, because in that moment, you dont care. you have no worry in the world, because you are on top of the world. barbara streisand baby. you're a firework; do the running man, jump up and down. and fist pump. because its not your birthday, but it doesnt matter. we are going to party anywayss__xo

there she goes.

its like the opposite

of what she wants

of what she needs.

but there is an

attraction

she cant explain.

dont probe her to

because she wont

even know where to

begin.

its not even existant.

its not even

something worth

mentioning.

not worth

her time or

yours.

but its something.

and if we have all

learned a thing

or two.

something,

is never

nothing.

shattered glass lookin like diamonds xo

remember that time we went into pak&save and we were all ready to get our lollies and popcorn and be fat while the kirbys went out to see the fireworks. we went in and the fire alarm went off. we thought it was a joke, but there we were, ditching our lollies at the side, and made our way outside. where we stood. for a long amount of time. real fire? or practice drill? i mean, who really knows. we laughed, and complained, and then thought about the kirbys coming home to realize we were gone. oh man. just little memories like this. i have a whole book of them.

you're not pathetic. you're not pathetic. you're not pathetic.

new day.

new person.

holy is the king of kings.

though the world may seem dark. you may feel like there is no where to go. there is no hope. there is no light. there is nothing out there worth it. worth the time. worth the effort. there is someone, who actually cares if you come home. someone who wants to hug you. someone who cries when you cry. someone who laughs when you laugh. someone who knows you the best. so, you think. why wouldnt i want to know this person? this person sounds GREAT! He never left. He never will. Jesus. He has your back. and. if there is any doubt in your mind. about this guy. my friend. Jesus. try Him out. talk to Him. ask Him things. pray to Him. because He makes all things work together for our good.

:)

knock the bush out of the way.

this feeling is not new. its not old either. its not clean. its not dirty. its tainted, but only a little. i cant help but smile when i think of your face. when i think of your words. when i think of your plots to kill me. our foolish ways. this feeling is what i will hold on to. because its the closest thing to what i want right now. i dont want to go down that road again. i dont want to feel trapped. you keep me grounded. you know when to stop me. you are like the therapy i never had. and i dont even know if you know it yet. i dont think you will ever know it. you will become a major movie star, and ill be here. and ill claim to know you. but really. who is going to believe me. i like the carefree way i can still live. i can still be me. i dont need to worry about anything. you are that secret place. you can be that solace. others will want to know. why you. people will question. people will wonder. i cant describe it. i am overwhelmed with this feeling. but its always a good feeling to feel. climb that mountain. climb to the top. and then jump. jump until there is nothing there. and you will feel it. because right now. thats all i want to feel. its too silly for me to think of anything else. to be anywhere else in my life. and i dont care what i say. i know im just not ready. im not ready to be attached to the mountain yet. i just want to explore. confusing. i know. hopefully i can say this. no ones gonna love you more than i do. thank you for everything. i hope you never leave my thoughts. because you are carving a nice little whole in my brain. ill bring you tea and crumpets my dear. ill bring you tea and crumpets.

♥

standing on your toes.

im unsure of what is to come
but
holding my breath never felt more real;

just let it melt



xox

until the fingers turn blue.

there was a day and a time when i would come to kai iwi beach often, when it was just a 10 minute drive from our beautiful summer house. where we would swim in the ocean and be scared of the big waves, and all the sea animals lurking. where the sun would shine mostly every day, and when it wasnt shining, it was still warm. where every minute was captured by my laughter with them, and counting down the time until i could be with them. i knew that i was there for a purpose, but with them time stood still. we didnt do much, but i felt like we did it all. we were golden, wild and free. like a flicker of fire from your cigarette lighter. the one we used to build that fire. the fire we built right by the ocean. the night i was dumb and didnt appreciate the moment until it was too late. i was voted off the island. i want to tell everyone ever single second i spent with them. all of them. it makes me sick. because i want to relive every moment. i miss the smell. even the smell was distinct. i knew this was going to be hard. i knew it was going to be rough. but what i didnt expect, what i didnt see happenening, was me numbing myself. im shutting it out. trying not to think of it. because honestly when i do. when i turn back and think of all those memories. i know deep down, that i was happier there then anywhere i have ever been in my whole life. my whole entire life. to know that piece of information, and to carry on knowing that. i can understand why i numb myself. why i try to make it like it didnt happen, because if it didnt happen. i wouldnt be missing out right now.

no. no i wouldnt.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -ultranumb.

and her head was still shaved.

lets go camping. ill bring the marshmellows. my goal is to succeed. this keyboard is so nice and smooth, and i like the sound of the keys being touched. make me some pasta will you? tell me why it was so awkward before, and now its not. thank you for being you. where have i been? my friends are phase 10 addicts. intervention! weekends are mine. for me. and God. i really need to finish hp7. hot yoga here i come. i have free internet at work (: Adam posts videos on my wall now. lets go canucks lets go. i might buy a digital slr soon. very soon. east side marios anyone? what does one do for their 21st birthday? big bang theory, why are you so funny. i have 10 toes, and 10 fingers. jealous? slurpees&candy=summer. kyle is going to get a new car :( i miss hyundai. hang nails are the worst. going to a wedding tomorrow. wedding bells. i am so so hungry. oh hungry, oh henry! my nose is so dry, i really should have used puffs. either im getting healthier or im high as a kite on these cold drugs. to be or not to be that is the question. he is getting married again. disgusting. dan is graduating ♥ congrats beautiful girl. whistler here i come. &&then camping with the besties. its going to be good times. it was totally sunny like half an hour ago. i hope its not cold out. i could be a photographer right? yea i think so. sunny days. how i hate you. i feel like the lyrics could have been better. what shall i eat tonight? maybe ill phone home and see. my cat is ignoring me. he literally doesnt want to speak with me anymore. oh bother. winnie the pooh. scooby doo. where are you. raggy. there i did it. i did it. gung hey fat choi. my eyes are pretty heavy. what does this mean? double rainbow all the way? she really really likes him. is it okay that i think ill still end up with him? haa i guess we will find out. gone going gone, everything gone give a damn. fall out boy, where did you go? because its 9 in the afternoon. sham sham kablam. BAM. i always have good times with aidan grace. samsies with meals on wheels and doh man.

love love love
and more?
ky.

you found me here.

well the sun is coming out. the sun reminds me of swimming in the ocean, feeling the black sand between my toes. being with people who i care about too much. oh how those days will soon be just memories in a photo album. although currently i am sick, life has been looking up. i recently got a job, and am now putting money towards that list of things that i need. my hair is really long now. and there are moments of desire for short hair, or to get a hair cut. but that would be cruel. i have dreams of long hair. and i am going to fulfil those dreams. hot yoga has been on my mind lately. and although i am totally fine with doing it by myself, i would very much like a hot yoga partner, someone who loves it as much as i do. maybe my sister? speaking of my sister. i love her. there have been so many fights between us. but we are the type of friends to just start talking to each other like nothing happened the next day. she is great. i find literally when you arent looking for someone, they find you. im not wanting a relationship right now. i want to focus on me, and although that sounds selfish, i believe i am 20 years old and shouldnt really be thinking about that considering im not even close to being done school. I know my God will provide the man i need. when the time is right he will be there, and everything will feel right, everything will be okay. because thats what God's intent is. although i do find myself lonely at times, i know i thoroughly am enjoying this time of being single :) im finding myself becoming used to routine again. i feel like i need something exciting and undull in my life. whats it going to be? who knows. but lets hope i figure it out soon.

until next time.
much lovee
Kylie.