that something

i doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore.
who really has time to blog, let alone read blogs anyways.
as always im in the middle of something magical.
and as i write this i am coming to the conclusion
that maybe me blogging about my magical situations
actually jinx the situation and will actually ruin my life.

crisis averted.

ill let you know once im no longer in the middle of something magical,
rather on the other side of magical.

amazing.

ciao.

thats kind of funny

you know those pics. the ones that talk about how people dont give any F@%#'s

thats me. right now.

i dont care.

anymore.

maybe im drowning, maybe im flying. 

whatever it is, its gonna be real. because i deserve it. 

ive played the game. i know how to win. 

but this time.

its gonna be authentic. 

so you can run and tell that. 

thats how a cookie crumbles

i feel like ive ruined a lot of things lately.
i cant keep up.
i cant be who everyone wants me to be.
and the giver in me is giving.
and honestly there is nothing left.
im an empty cat.
meow.
how do i say no when all i live for is to say yes.
ohhhh gosh.

perplexed

hello confusion, hello curiousity.
i know either way im going to get hurt.
for two is not the best number.
and seven isnt either.
my mind is divided.
seeking a hope.
something to hold onto.
soon baby soon.

thats all

if i could express how hearing your voice made me feel.
if i could.
i would.
i spent the night reliving the phone call.
things i should have said
things you should have said
my my
all i know is i dont want to keep doing this.
i need an end
or a beginning.
thats all.

i know, you know, that i'm not fond of askin

my dearest,

im sitting here wondering what to think. i keep replaying things in my mind. all of it screams that there is a truth to this madness. that there is hope beyond hope. but sometimes actions do speak louder than words. and so now is where I need to know certain things, in order to keep moving like thomas the engine.
do i forget what was and focus on brand new fresh and free? or do i allow myself to be what my heart desires to be and just understand what is. im a good person, and things happen. im genuine and each story is different. i know what could happen for both directions, and honestly im okay with both. i am. i just need to know.

i need to know dearest.

k.

my mind has gone crazy.

I know.
I know I deserve to get a smack in the face.
For someone to say 'smarten up'
because im acting like a foolish person.
i wasnt expecting all of this.
it wasnt my plan from the beginning.
but what I do know is that
I
CANT
GET
MY
MIND
OFF
OF
YOU.

Im hopeless hun
♥

like the ceiling cant hold us.

i remember you.
in all my power i want to believe
that none of it was fake.
i dont know where you are or what youre doing.
but i really hope this isnt the end.
we never even got a chance.


not one.

crystal clear

you never expect it. just like a little puppy is so lost. watching airplanes fly by. its all what you make it. and im soooooooo unsure of everything. im on the hook. i know it. but i know im also so cherished. you would think things would be crystal clear. things should be crystal clear.

but life never works that way.

ever.

wow

wow
is
all
i
can
say.






WOW.

heart problems

this flattery is sickening.
i cant excuse the fact that im already loving.
there is already love in my heart.
the heart wants what the heart wants.

i cant control it.
i am kate winslet on the titanic.

oh boy.

where have you been?

so unsure of where I stand.
where do i stand?
what am I?
who am I?
this vulnerability is killing me.
i dont think i should care this much.
you dont.


i dont care. i love it.

This, That, and the Other.

on days such as these.

wow.

something in the way you move

as much as i want it.
the scariest thing
is knowing that
when you say
those three words
you mean it.

the battle

Time is just so precious lately.
although i feel as if i have so much of it.
its so easy to get in the same routine.
day after day
what is new
will become old
and life just keeps revolving around the sun.

today i saw that i was no longer her friend on facebook.
i get it.
i understand.
so im not pissed
or angry
and im not necessarily hurt either.
but im not happy about it.
it doesnt bring me joy.

the decisions we make.
cant always be taken back.
yes second chances happen
even third chances.
but to know what is good for you
and what the heart desires
are two different things
its the battle between the heart and the brain.

shark bait ooh ha ha

at the end of the day, i know i got you, and you got me.
thats all that matters.
thats all that is important.
life is hard,
but we're better.

this is happening.

i want to cry, i wish life was easy.
i wish things just happened.
and you know what, i think about this all the time.
there are people who belong where they are.
and there are people who are meant to go.
and i dont know what i am.
but im confused
and i want a fairytale ending.
but my life could not get anymore complicated.
and in this fishbowl.
the water is shallow.
theres no point in trying to learn how to swim.
i need to get over the idea
of being something im not.
this is me giving up.
im done

<3>

so good to me so right.

from being so miserable and eating a box of chocolates to myself to wanting to stand on my tippy toes and jump around.
my week has been so interesting in terms of my emotions.
so so crazy.
no wonder men think women are crazy sometimes.
with my legs so weak, im falling behind in many ways.
and maybe this is exactly what its like.
to have it all together.
either way, ive reached a point where as much as im overwhelmed, and self concious.
of my life in general i am not ashamed.
this is my life, and some people actually care about it.


also.
i got two papercuts.. or should i say cardboardcuts.

:/ oh gosh.

I can only imagine

for only one week i felt as if my life was complete.
its not really fair to talk about it anymore, ive technically moved on.
but i have a bad case of the memories,
and yours stick out like neon glow sticks.
i get it now, i know it would have never worked out.
but for that one week i had pictured everything
and everything was perfect.
and for the longest time i wanted you to come back and say
its always been you, i made a mistake.
i wanted you to realize.
but thats not going to happen when you are apparently so happy.
and thats how i know.
i had you, for longer than i thought.
but now i dont have you at all.
and i will never ever have you even in the smallest way.
whats done is done.
and believe me its done.
but for one week.
i was on top of the world.
because for one week
it was real.

goodmorning.

As i sit and wait and start to feel my heart race
anticipating betrayal. waiting to just feel the pain
i smile. learning to trust is really hard.
but i want to so bad with you.
i will wait.

hand in hand.

because if i dont get these words down, they will get swept away along with my breath.
alot of people say it, and they dont mean it. 
ive never understood it. 
well.. i tried to understand it. 
but now i know it.
i do.

you make me a better person.

today

today i realized how much you mean to me. i realized alot of things.
just thought id let you know.
:)

and im not moving

hasnt it always been so, that you want what you cant have. or, even though its slightly the same thing, you cant have what you want.

right now thats me. in so many aspects. people wanting me. me wanting people. things in life that seem out of grasp.

I know thats life, I know life is hard. And I know its most likely not meant to be. But come on.


COME ON.

Im allowing the cracks in my heart to be smoothed over. if only for a little while.

its not always gold, sometimes its a really nice yellow.

all hidden

is it wrong if im happy?

really think about that.

can something be wrong if it causes joy?

pyramids were made.

so concrete.

a list. yes I have a list. of things i need to do, want to do, should do. people i need to see, need to talk to, need to cry with. activities to do, places to go. i need to start things, i need to finish things. things i need to find, things i need to buy. things i need to think about right now, and things i need to think about later. things i want to think about and things i dont.

so here I am. I am complicated. messy. but I want all of you. because Your Love never fails.

i know a guy who knows a guy.

im done with all the reasons to be afraid of what i enjoy. new day. new beginnings. bring it on world.

ding dong

Well its that time again, while I enjoyed my break from school, it is now time to hit the books again. And literally. that is what Ive been doing. For some reason I just cant get into the groove of school yet. Im staying up late still and occupying my time with other things. I am glad I am back in school though. I love my friends. I love them. And the classes although they seem easy, I know, will be completely different from last semester. Every assignment is weighted higher and more. greeeeeaaaattttttt.

In other news, I think I have gotten over my sad spell. I needed truth, and once I recieved truth I knew that I was happy and that I could move on. Its still hard of course. but life is hard.

onto bigger and better things, and for once i am going to be patient. i alwaaays talk about how im patient, but then i finish off saying, but i really want ________. Well its time I understand the true meaning of patience.

TIME. MIGHT.STAND.STILL.

but I will wait.


when my future is so bright, there is no need hiding in the dark.

amen.

you should probably ignore this.

if you are the only person that can help me get over him then please help. like a vampire drinks blood, i will drink the thoughts of moving on. i need to think of anything else. but certain things pop in my head at the worst times. things he told me and things i believed. i hate believing people. i really dont take the time to be careful, i just jump in. the water is always warm at first. but then it gets cold. and you want to forget. but you cant forget the warmth. not the whispers. not the smiles. not looking at the moon and understanding that there was an us. and for most they would have moved on like no bodys business. but me, im fragile. i break easily. and you didnt even have a chance of knowing that. that my front of being so strong. that is not all its cracked up to be. i dont want to feel this way any longer. i dont want to drown in the memories anymore. i want to fast forward to when im happy again. in time my child. i want to know happiness and smile upon it. in time my child.

ive been waiting so long. always tripping. always thinking. and here i am again. am i tripping? the biggest question. and i think i already know the answer. why would anything great happen this way. why would anything great make me think this way. that i think so highly of myself to believe that anything like this could happen. with royalty of royalty. i speak lies to myself wondering what is, and what isnt. and right now im just holding on to the hope that for once, i may be deserving.

my heart hurts, and everyone knows. but the truth of knowledge does not make anything change. unless people wish to change what is.