all you ever had to do was smile

so here i am,
being me,
but
not feeling like me
im sore,
ugly,
ruined,
broken.
and you just look at me
with those vampire eyes.
smiling.

thank you for smiling at me.
you made my day.

real.

I think that life sometimes for me gets hazy, and unreal. I often just go through the motions. But then there are other times where life just hits me. Where images are sharper and life just feels like breathing in a bunch of fresh air. Today was one of those days. One of my amazing great close friends left to go to Germany for 7-9 months. And for a while i thought that although Id miss her, it would go by so quickly and i would have nothing to worry about. But today happened, many things happened today. I said good bye to one of my dearest closest friends. and I was really emotional about it. I think its going to be really hard living life without her alongside me. I held a baby. I held life so small, and i just had to stop and take it in. Thinking about my future, there are so many things that are scary, and exciting. and I cant imagine a life without someone who loves me unconditionally by my side. God.

So heres to you God.


You rock. :)

wondering.

its coming up to school time. and with school time comes the lack of quality time with friends. i think my fear is falling away from the amazing friendships ive made. i will be making friends from school. but, it wont be the same. i keep thinking of what September will bring, and i have to just take a deep breath and really just be patient. alot of changes are about to blast into each other in my world. and to be honest. im not good with change. so we will just have to see what happens.

oh gosh.
what will happen?
no distractions only going forward.

going backwards is pointless.

sunshine lolipops.

i normally dont write in this format. i normally dont write about what is specifically happening in my life, because in all honesty, if you wanted to know, you would ask me. I dont even post that much on facebook.

but I wanted to share how my weekend went, and essentially what I have learned.

Friday night, I attended a good friend of mine's going away party. she is leaving on Aug 29 to go to Germany, and I have to say we sent her off in style. It was a very good turn out, with loads of people, heaps of food, good music, good pictures. and lots of laughs. It was very enjoyable, but the meaning of the party did not go unnoticed. We are all going to miss her very much, but know that this is her time to shine in Germany and love on all those people there.

Saturday, I took a shift and worked a 9-6 shift. and I kick myself everytime i do. Because it is probably the most dullest shift ever known to man. I literally sat there all day. doing nothing. answered a few phone calls of course, but it really was NOT the cats pajamas. Although it was very long, i looked forward to an evening with my sister and mother. The other 3 went to the island to visit family, so it was just us girls. we had the best dinner possible, and then enjoyed the movie BRIDESMAIDS together. I love those 2 girlies.

Sunday I took my puppy to the dog park at Buntzen Lake for the afternoon with my Sister. We taught him how to officially swim, by throwing a tennis ball into the water. He is now a swimmer. :) It was so amusing to watch him interact with other dogs, and form playful relationships with them. definitely the cutest dog at the park for sure. ;)

Sunday evening consisted of going to Ethos, where we studied the psalm 137. It was about suffering, and how to deal with it properly. which, better late than never, but I feel like it really helped me out. If you are hurting, deal with it. scream, cry if you must. because you cannot sing a happy song if your sad. I met some cool people as always. and got to love the community that i have missed for a while.

All in All i have learned that spending quality time with family is just as important as friends.

and.
last but not least.

God loves me, and is always there. even when I feel He has abandoned me.

catching this star.

and he said he couldnt complain. and i said neither could i. because i cant. life is just decent right now. and although there is stuff happening. and problems arise. i cant complain. i just really cant.

all i know is that i miss who i miss,

and that will always stay with me.

mondays. can. suck. it.

i feel like im dying.
if this is what dying feels like.
no feeling.
no nothing.
and i know something is really wrong.
because i can see all my veins.
so here i am.
wanting to sleep. sleep until it doesnt matter.
life expects too much of me.


i think im just tired.

living alive.

it was the most exhilarating moment. I came alive. because i was with you. it wasnt a dream. it wasnt anything. i didnt care. but i am so so happy that it happened this way.

lets never let this end.

xo

why now.

and if its going to happen, let it happen.
but you must know that my heart is tucked away
hidden, itll take a long time for you to find it.
so.

there.

here we are

Where is my heart? but most importantly where is my mind? And to hear that people actually talk about me in a positive light is so uplifting to my heart "where did Kylie come from?" I think what everyone needs to realize is that I was here the whole time.

so come forward. and give me that hug. because I know you wanted to. and dont blame it on your awkwardness because thats just a myth.

you remind me of my favorite jacks mannequin song.