a well worth hiding.

i used to be a fan of the numbing technique. you know the one. where and when you get hurt, emotionally. you numb yourself. I am finding it so hard to be as happy as i was in New Zealand. I think you can see in every picture. I am so happy. the happiest. so now that I am back home, its like. I am trying to find things that make me at least a fraction of the happy that I felt. I know I am headed in the right direction, I have summer lined up and then school in the fall. So I know that will pass time and keep me busy. which is not how i want to feel about it. i dont want to keep busy. i want to be with those friends who literally, make my day with out even saying a word. I love them. and i think they really taught me what love is. or how it feels, that is. but back to now. today. I think its just one of those moments, where I wonder what God has in store for me, what he wants me to learn by being in this state. This emotion i feel. My heart is so vulnerable right now. It just doesnt know what to think. but that is just life is I guess. things have been going pretty good I guess. I have done everything for right now in applying for school, I had an interview with the camp I wish to work at. hopefully that went well enough for them to want me to come work there, I also had a meeting with the youth pastor of the youth group I would like to help out at, that went well. The only things that are left to be done is to meet with work and see if I can come back or If i need another job, and also work on getting my N. So, pretty much I am good for now. life is slowly getting back to normalcy. In a weird way though, I feel as if, life is just a little harder to live when the boys arent around. Is that weird? I reckon it might be viewed as silly. And I am sorry if you are reading this and thinking that what i just wrote is completely crazy. but i am being serious. when the ninjas are apart, there is a sad feeling in all of our hearts. i guess in a way i know we all need to move on a little. its bound to happen. but at the same time. It just seems unfair that we have to.

I am not feeling down necessarily, not lost, not confused, just.. nothing really. im not feeling anything.

xox

me = home.

so i have to admit, this whole concept of blogging is a little uncomfortable. I used to be able to pour out my thoughts onto this blog and leave them there. But now I find myself feeling very vulnerable about it all. I am home in Canada. to sum up my trip in one word, I would say inspiring. a lot of the stories i have are going to be shared with friends and family. but a lot of the stories are going to be kept for me. I dont know if a lot of people have noticed. but I have changed. God has thrown me into some really uncomfortable situations, and some really ah ah amazzing situations. I love God. btw. haha. but I cant even begin to really give up what my true emotions are. I loved that trip I took. I loved it. for all the reasons that have made me who I am now. love love love.

it took a poem.

no reply. i am so lazy.
but i think i was just so refreshed with the newness of the feeling.
i am taking risks, and chances.
and you are giving me shots and oppurtunities.
ill just leave it.
because if i dont you will leave.
i dont want anyone to get hurt,
but like i said i am lazy.
and right i dont care.
let the flow go.

te aroha♥