cigarettes and beer bottles

you gave me that smile and said "stay for a while"
knowing full well i was going to fall.
dropping everything just to see your face
feel your kiss and your embrace,
the summer was the best.
riding shotgun all the time.
i loved you,
i loved you like you were mine.
i feel sick now. almost everyday.
to most it was just a mistake and
"you just need to get over it"
but to me. its everyday.
the way your hair felt when i braided it.
the way you made me stay up every night
i was under your spell.

but hey, guess what?
youre an asshole. youre a douche bag. youre a poor excuse for a man.
because no one should ever treat someone the way you treated me.
i hope my thoughts and dreams no longer haunt me, but come to haunt you instead.
and after all is said and done.

i still care for your well being.
and want you to be happy.
'sigh

holding my breath

Its like being in a movie, not knowing whether or not youll choose the right one in the end. 

but hope is hope and I think romance wins everytime. 

so hurry up and realize what you want before its too late. 

what kind of man loves like this

i want to write something sweet like, if all i get in life is this one moment then ill be content with the rest of my life.
i guess its like losing someone you love in a car crash, or some other tragic accident. one minute youre good, the next youre not.
as girls do, i replay every single aching, beautiful moment of everything. even as i write this i shed tears because everything was so imperfectly perfect. I dont know what went wrong, and i take full blame for the mystery.
every other before you was a joke, something to laugh about. the thought that i could feel those feelings before is so false.
and i feel so lost, and i look at people, thinking they must have felt this at some point. still living, still breathing. and everyday i think of those words, and i try to smile because you said to. but ive got nothing to show. a lion king dvd? tater tots? silly places we went. in the saddest time of your life you made me the happiest. who can ever say that. things happen for a reason.
but all the sour candy cant compete with the taste in my mouth.
my heart is so crushed, and im all out of tape and glue.
im lost without you.

what is it.

i almost need someone to shake me out of what seems to be a bad dream.
one in which i cannot for the life of me understand what is happening.
i know this isn't how it is. this isn't how i am.
like one who faces great turmoil. i carelessly throw away precious innocence.
i play the blame game but for who. this is the real world.
life isn't perfect. there are snags, and flaws.
i measure each day compared to the last. and i am literally wasting time.
time so valuable.
i lack creativity, motivation, drive.
i don't actually know how it could get any worse.

and just now i think. is this what it is?
was this the life you saw. did you have this same life.
this would be such a good time to talk to you.
in all i do, i really have so many unanswered questions.
and i would give anything just to have you answer them.

i love and miss you.
entirely with my heart.
dd.

several chapters in one.

We said goodbye,

as we drove and got lost,

i cried my eyes out hoping you'd be honest with me

it was a miracle we couldn't find our way

we stayed up all night, 

laughing,

being together

i felt so safe beside you.

-scene-

lost and found

who knows how lost i am

i could have a pity party

but there is never a real reason for those

the real truth is within my reasoning

and i have none.

-scene-

i could say you are the answer to everything I've wanted

but i think i would speak too soon

all i said was goodnight

and you could tell there was something wrong

i had been meaning to send you something

something that would illustrate us

because we are an us

and i sent you something that belonged to a different love

i hope sleep and a wake up call will fix my mind numbing itself

i am living two parallels which i often do so well

one reality

one dream-like state

which ever one wins, gets the prize

me.

-scene- 

that something

i doubt anyone even reads this blog anymore.
who really has time to blog, let alone read blogs anyways.
as always im in the middle of something magical.
and as i write this i am coming to the conclusion
that maybe me blogging about my magical situations
actually jinx the situation and will actually ruin my life.

crisis averted.

ill let you know once im no longer in the middle of something magical,
rather on the other side of magical.

amazing.

ciao.

thats kind of funny

you know those pics. the ones that talk about how people dont give any F@%#'s

thats me. right now.

i dont care.

anymore.

maybe im drowning, maybe im flying. 

whatever it is, its gonna be real. because i deserve it. 

ive played the game. i know how to win. 

but this time.

its gonna be authentic. 

so you can run and tell that.