i hope you dance.

the life of Job is never fun.

I feel empty and useless,
what is there?
God, please,
you take people out of my life for a reason,
please make your reason known.
I would cry all my tears onto your feet if i could.
Lord
WHAT IS THERE?
humble me, but grant me confidence.
I am yours through thick and thin,
I am leaning on you.
please make your reason known
and guide me.


my heart is yours.
♥

the owl sits.

i hope we can move past this
i hope we can get through it.
there are things we both want to say
but we dont know the best way
this isnt who we are
this isnt what we do
and yet here we are
walking our seperate ways
what happened?
did you change?
or did i?
whatever happens,
please know that I love you
you are one of the best my dear.
i miss you.
xo

the broccoli was good.

so you know when you have those moments? youuu know!? the ones where you just have a spark, and something exciting in your life, and your pumped, and nothing can be better, because you can see that things are going to work out, and that even though you had some bumps along the road, and you fell a couple times, that now your back up again, and you can do this thing called life. yea, im having one of those. its friday. its sunny. its a good day. God made this. thank you God.


churrbro. xo

it was so easy.

im trying to suck it up. im trying to not let it bother me, and just go with the flow. but where you put your heart, you put your love. i put my love somewhere, and my heart got hurt. maybe im over-reacting. maybe im just super sensitive. (i probably am) but i dont feel the same anymore. you dont feel the same anymore. i know things change. but when i needed you the most, no one was there. excuse me if i feel bitter. im over it now, whats in the past is in the past. but dont expect me to be so warm and kind.

i loved you first.

im good with a keyboard.

"what hurts the most, was being so close,

and having so much to say,

and watching you walk away."

I am sad, angry, and lost.

I find myself doing laundry, cleaning, and baking.

I go out, and spend my time being out.

I fill my minutes with things.

because to think of you.

to think of it all.

its hurts too much.

I know in time, I will heal.

its just a matter of getting there.

you will be forever missed.

rest in peace dd.

i love you. ♥

hubble bubble.

its like one of thosee moments where i just want to say 'its always been you'. im probably looking into this way too much. way way too much. to the point where its not even a truth anymore. but, you said hi to me remember? its just scary because, its a possibilty, and i was comfortable with never. with mr no words. i'm a mess. but im listening to your favorite songs. lets turn this record on full blast? or am i just an oldie? i guess ill see you around.and i told her one day it would be true, and she said she would know. lets see how it goes.

shawty. what it is.

kyyyyy.

lightlightlight...

and one day, one time, i want to hear you say

'you're perfect for me'

turn the page.

i'm sorry i let it go too far. bleed out. become a type of something. but i warned you. im not ready. not as ready as i need to be. i hope you'll understand. because one day we're all going to be happy. we just need to wait until then.

the first day of the rest of my life.

He makes all things work together for our good♥

beyond terms.

to think of it. to think of you. to think of smiles. to think of laughing. to think of what can be. i literally have watched the same car circle around like 10 times. i'm a snake. i will eat you whole. i cant help it. i have ways. you wont be able to leave. you wont be able to get away. the black hole. you always want what you cant suck in. give me a chance. throw me the rope. give me a hand. because i want you more than words can describe. im walking on eggshells. its like im in willy wonkas factory, and im being tested by willy himself. i hope i pass. please let me pass. i have been trying so hardd!

i will eat you whole.

so what about your princess?

as small as that addition was. it made my heart skip a beat. which reminded me of you. i thought i was moving on. but you come up. i dont feel like this with other people. you make me feel so naive and free and innocent. is that crazy or is that crazy. i dont even know you. you are this far away dreamland to me. something i can only think about. but what would happen if dreams became reality. would it be the same? or is living like this the best that it can get. i know history. i know its not all fun and games. but `you got a hold on me. you really got a hold on me. now the real question is if i will do anything about it.
later skater.

♥

the sun will always have a shadow.

my hair is pinned back. in one of those really tight ballerina buns. not a messy bun. not a loose bun. a tight ballerina bun. im finding im liking my hair like this. its professional. its unpredictable. i really really really want to go to the lunch doctor. like really badly. but not yet. i have things to do. things to work on. goals to reach. i have questions. probably more rhetorical. they probably will never be answered. but i wonder. i wonder sometimes how it would be. if i had someone. what would that mean for them? how would they feel? is it bad that i feel guilty about it? like i shouldnt. the emotional scars that are there, the wrong doings. the idea in a whole makes me sick. its a road i really dont want to go down. eventually it will happen. i will need to go down it. but, right now? no. i cant do that to them. they arent ready. they dont know. im going to pick matthew up at the airport tonight. haha more like early tomorrow morning. oh my. i cant wait though. he has always been a friend i can have some fun times with. a really great guy. i am also going to see a movie with courtney. i really do love her. alot. she tells me things about her cat rubbing blood on her. the book im reading about is about wanganui. totally God right there. its pretty good. i wrote ty & kahu letters last night. man. i just think about all our memories. i think of caltex, and the man soap. i think of the many games of pictionary. i think of our endless nights, when the night didnt even start until we were together. i remember my feet were always warm. all the laughs. all the road trips. all the moments. all the dreams. all the friends. when anger was so loud and we drove to kai iwi. how i cried so hard. and only britnee knew. but she didnt even know. no one knows. those days are behind me. but the feelings are still with me. i thank God for putting them in my life. they own a big chunk of my heart. they do. i made a calculator once. and i was really proud of myself. i had no friends. but i learned to be content by myself. its what happened. and it was always my fault. they never told me why. but it always was. he liked me. he liked me alot, but he never thought he could get me. so he asked her out. and they dated for forever. what if it had been me? what if we were all as friendly as we wanted to be? who says im not perfect? who says im not beautiful? im going to go back to normal. i can tell you that. so be ready for it. you are playing with the lock to my heart. using bobby pins, to try and unlock it. you just need to go find the key okay? i cant get over it. its always been him. its always been him. and glances say everything. he is hers. its like being a pool of water and not being able to breath. no oxygen, no escape. i knew it would happen. but not this way. i want to kick and scream. let out all my anger, and sad pathetic plee. its me. you should want me. he should want me. why doesnt he want me? im all done. im no more.

so lets raise a glass to freedom. it only lasts a little while.

yliek.

its so hard when it doesnt come easy.

id meet you there.
i would.

-k

soon

it will be the saddest day. the hardest moment. the worst thing. when that happens. when what i have dreamed of for as long as i can remember, happens to you, instead of me.

im just saying.

that thing on my wrist.

you lose sight of whats to come, and you start to think about the now. the hurt. the want. the need. i think i need to constantly remind myself. that there will be a guy that will hold the door open for you. a guy who will sweep the hair behind you ear. a guy who will whisper in your ear ' you are beautiful'. a guy who will make you laugh, and will think of ways to make you laugh. a guy who will know your likes and dislikes. a guy who will understand you. a guy who will miss you. a guy who has patience. a guy who will look out for you. a guy who will love Jesus as much as you. a guy who has a passion for youth just like you. a guy who will smile when you smile. a guy who will love your family, and your family will love him. a guy who you feel comfortable with, but also feel a sense of mystery and adventure. a guy who will keep you on your toes. a guy who will challenge you. a guy who will want to play board games with you. a guy who will make you tea. a guy who takes pictures. a guy who always knows how to calm you down. a guy who is not afraid to open up. a guy who can trust you. a guy who surprise you. a guy who will respect you. a guy who will brighten your days. a guy who is just right for you. a guy who will help you paint your nails. a guy who is genuinely interested in your day. a guy who will understand your quirkiness. a guy who is just as quirky as you. a guy who is friends with your friends. a guy who likes your friends. a guy who will give you his jacket if you are cold. a guy who will kiss your nose. a guy who will praise Jesus with all his heart. a guy who likes the same music as you. a guy who has the same humour as you. a guy who is best friends with your siblings. a guy who can cook you food. a guy who enjoys reading. a guy who can talk through problems with you. a guy who will hold your hand. a guy who will not pressure you to do anything you dont want to do. a guy who will just go on random drives with you. a guy who will give you butterfly kisses.

i know he is out there. i can feel it.
hey hun, im waiting for you...

kyliee

and they stay there.

breath in. exhale. that was a wake up call. a false alarm. but what would you do if that had happened? would your whole world crumble? no. would you succumb into a deep depression? no. but would you feel a tremendous stinging sensation and feel really confused and hurt? of course. i don't think anyone is normal. so yes, i will say I'm weird. but i don't know if i like being known for that. lets give myself some credit here. I'm a pretty decent person when i want to be. i do enjoy making strange noises, and the majority of the time they are in public. sometimes i dont care what I'm wearing and so that might include clothes you wouldn't put together. i find unusual things funny, and i really do enjoy music that hasn't seen the light of mainstream. I like really raw films and documentaries. i do enjoy watching normal chick flicks and actions as well, and obviously scary movies. i have a different way of thinking, and i do believe there are blocks in certain areas of my brain. i do not understand a lot, but i understand most of the time. i avoid conflict like the plague, and try to incorporate humour into everything. i like to pretend i know what I'm talking about. i can zone out and think about things for a long period of time, and then come to and wonder.. just how long was i zoned out for? my favorite time to think is in the car. driving and listening to music and i will be gone. i have highs and lows, and as much as i push you away, its the last thing i want. but do keep your distance, if i pull you in, there is a chance i might get bored. let it be gradual. alot of the time i wont be able to explain things, its like my brain cant grasp the concept of teaching what it knows. i have a lot of memories. memories i remember, and memories i dont remember. i have dreams, hopes, and aspirations. if i could stop time and just work on reaching those things in life that i care about, then things might work out once and a while. im lucky often, if luck even exists. but i do things almost in my own timing. which the majority of the time is late compared to everyone else. being born, actually understanding that math equation, learning how to drive, wearing makeup, and probably getting married. so yes, maybe i am weird. but i think im just a complex human being, so if thats what you want man, then here i am.

roll the dice.

im not going to pretend like i dont care. like im not super stoked that you're talking to me more often. im doing my best. but its coming pretty easy. because even though i do care, i dont really care. life is too short. and i know that everything happens for a reason. thats all im going to say. i asked you if your tattoo reminded you of me. and you know what you said? nothing. i dont know if you even read this anymore, but what im getting from your lack of contact is that the friendship we had, it meant nothing, it wasnt important to you. you my dear are a pretty good actor. i dont know why, i feel like im constantly holding my breath. walking on egg shells. waiting for something really bad to happen. im not living. im existing. there is a big difference. now dont start thinking that im depressed or just miserable. no no. im just, not being challenged. I want God to push me past the limits i have placed on myself. go do something crazy Kylie. feel again. let yourself get excited. feel passion. cry. laugh. scream. smile. im going camping this weekend. and im interested in how its going to play out. not that i dont think it will be fun, but i have a tendency to compare and contrast. ill try my best not to. dan is graduating. she is growing up. she is a young lady. a young lady. i remember always being jealous of her. she is so strong willed. such an awesome chika. i am so proud of her. so so proud.



until the next time. lady.
♥

you ordered a pepperoni pizza, this is pizza hut.

this past weekend i travelled to whistler for a girls retreat that the youth group i volunteer with put on. We all got in our vehicles and drove 2 hours to the land of the beautiful. once there we found our rooms and got settled in. may i just say that our suites were nothing but gorgeous! we all participated in a progressive dinner including salad, soup, nachos, brocolli and mushroom stir fry and some lovely sundaes. after a long drive and a long night of getting to know one another better we went to sleep. on saturday we watched a video of Lisa Wenchel from the 80's tv show "Facts of Life". She spoke on friendship and the right kind of friends to look for. after that we enjoyed some great lasagna and salad and we got to meet Miss Canada's Tara Teng. She shared her testimony and seemed like a genuinely great person. we then went to the village and did a scavenger hunt. the day was really beautiful, and i really enjoyed laughing and getting to know those amazing girls. although we werent doing anything strenuous i found i became really exhausted over the weekend. coming home made me realize how blessed i am that God has put such an amazing community in my life. i was once a highschooler who went to youth and looked up to leaders. im really honored to be seen as a leader and to be able to mentor these young ladies and help them through highschool. I am also so blessed to be able to share the word of God with them, and to tell them about who Jesus is.

this weekend was amazing.

♥

the scars of your love.

baby. baby belongs to him. the very first one. the one most people wouldn't even remember. i remember the way he said it, the way he chewed his peas so loud, the way i felt so happy. long days ago. long hurts ago. i remember falling on the ground, crying. when i look back now, i think of how naive i was. but the focal point was that i was so happy, so so happy. and since then, baby has been his. no other person has gotten away with calling me baby. baby is his. i think i just miss the friend. i think i just miss in general. i miss the person, who can hold all my thoughts. i want that. i long for the innocence of a relationship that is pure.

i gots to listen to my pier ♥

walkin around with a volvo umbrella.

get used to rejection baby, she said. its gonna be around forever; im so bold when i dont mean to. and analyzing everything is my problem. im used to your harsh words, because immunity is key. it would be sweet. sunny days. sunglasses. flats. tights. im seeing beauty. because of you. dont be scared of me. just dont. im a terrible person. but arent we all? thanks for remembering little things. i guess thats the nice part of you. but your evil monster mask is still on. im still clueless as to why i care. why do i care? and im so limited to who i can tell. because telling wont do you any justice. no one can possibly understand. and believe me im trying. im trying to seem like i dont care. like waiting is my favorite thing. like its okay if you die. i think you'll understand. im praying for you. and i cant hate you. its just my defense mechanism.

i talk you later munchkin.

tell me whats going on.

i feel like God is showing me over and over how much he yearns for a relationship with me. lately i have noticed i am being ignored. by friends, by family. not being told things. not being talked to. and whats getting to me is how annoying it is. how inconsiderate it seems when someone is ignoring you. how awful you feel. how helpless. i think God is trying to drive into me how much it pains him when i ignore him. when i dont take part in the relationship i have with him. how i need to put him first. because if i dont, nothing else really matters. to be constantly thinking of

him, and lifting him higher. i have been putting others before him lately. and i can feel the space between us now. the void, the gap.

oh lord, hear my cry. i long for you;;

tar snoo bear?

i cant even understand why i want it so bad. why i want the attention you dont give me. it would make sense that i would just move on, forget you. but knowing all i know, you are the most wonderful thought that has passed through my mind lately. but i get like this. i dive in. i dont wade. so forgive me for my annoying texts. its only because i want to talk to you. your few texts are what put the smile on my face, and you actually have no clue. ill be praying for you. because you need it. i know this. my wisdom is mine, so i will share it. smile. and breathe. always always make that face. and remember that you affect people more then you think.
i dive in. i dont wade.

sweetchild.

party like its not your birthdayyy - - - - •

i strongly suggest going through a phase of not caring. i think one of my favorite memories of my life, was having a dance party in december 2010. with the lights flashing, music blaring, drowning out any feeling. you dance like you dont care. better then drugs. better then alcohol. better then any addiction to get you high. you become invincible. you can take on the world, because in that moment, you dont care. you have no worry in the world, because you are on top of the world. barbara streisand baby. you're a firework; do the running man, jump up and down. and fist pump. because its not your birthday, but it doesnt matter. we are going to party anywayss__xo

there she goes.

its like the opposite

of what she wants

of what she needs.

but there is an

attraction

she cant explain.

dont probe her to

because she wont

even know where to

begin.

its not even existant.

its not even

something worth

mentioning.

not worth

her time or

yours.

but its something.

and if we have all

learned a thing

or two.

something,

is never

nothing.

shattered glass lookin like diamonds xo

remember that time we went into pak&save and we were all ready to get our lollies and popcorn and be fat while the kirbys went out to see the fireworks. we went in and the fire alarm went off. we thought it was a joke, but there we were, ditching our lollies at the side, and made our way outside. where we stood. for a long amount of time. real fire? or practice drill? i mean, who really knows. we laughed, and complained, and then thought about the kirbys coming home to realize we were gone. oh man. just little memories like this. i have a whole book of them.

you're not pathetic. you're not pathetic. you're not pathetic.

new day.

new person.

holy is the king of kings.

though the world may seem dark. you may feel like there is no where to go. there is no hope. there is no light. there is nothing out there worth it. worth the time. worth the effort. there is someone, who actually cares if you come home. someone who wants to hug you. someone who cries when you cry. someone who laughs when you laugh. someone who knows you the best. so, you think. why wouldnt i want to know this person? this person sounds GREAT! He never left. He never will. Jesus. He has your back. and. if there is any doubt in your mind. about this guy. my friend. Jesus. try Him out. talk to Him. ask Him things. pray to Him. because He makes all things work together for our good.

:)

knock the bush out of the way.

this feeling is not new. its not old either. its not clean. its not dirty. its tainted, but only a little. i cant help but smile when i think of your face. when i think of your words. when i think of your plots to kill me. our foolish ways. this feeling is what i will hold on to. because its the closest thing to what i want right now. i dont want to go down that road again. i dont want to feel trapped. you keep me grounded. you know when to stop me. you are like the therapy i never had. and i dont even know if you know it yet. i dont think you will ever know it. you will become a major movie star, and ill be here. and ill claim to know you. but really. who is going to believe me. i like the carefree way i can still live. i can still be me. i dont need to worry about anything. you are that secret place. you can be that solace. others will want to know. why you. people will question. people will wonder. i cant describe it. i am overwhelmed with this feeling. but its always a good feeling to feel. climb that mountain. climb to the top. and then jump. jump until there is nothing there. and you will feel it. because right now. thats all i want to feel. its too silly for me to think of anything else. to be anywhere else in my life. and i dont care what i say. i know im just not ready. im not ready to be attached to the mountain yet. i just want to explore. confusing. i know. hopefully i can say this. no ones gonna love you more than i do. thank you for everything. i hope you never leave my thoughts. because you are carving a nice little whole in my brain. ill bring you tea and crumpets my dear. ill bring you tea and crumpets.

♥

standing on your toes.

im unsure of what is to come
but
holding my breath never felt more real;

just let it melt



xox

until the fingers turn blue.

there was a day and a time when i would come to kai iwi beach often, when it was just a 10 minute drive from our beautiful summer house. where we would swim in the ocean and be scared of the big waves, and all the sea animals lurking. where the sun would shine mostly every day, and when it wasnt shining, it was still warm. where every minute was captured by my laughter with them, and counting down the time until i could be with them. i knew that i was there for a purpose, but with them time stood still. we didnt do much, but i felt like we did it all. we were golden, wild and free. like a flicker of fire from your cigarette lighter. the one we used to build that fire. the fire we built right by the ocean. the night i was dumb and didnt appreciate the moment until it was too late. i was voted off the island. i want to tell everyone ever single second i spent with them. all of them. it makes me sick. because i want to relive every moment. i miss the smell. even the smell was distinct. i knew this was going to be hard. i knew it was going to be rough. but what i didnt expect, what i didnt see happenening, was me numbing myself. im shutting it out. trying not to think of it. because honestly when i do. when i turn back and think of all those memories. i know deep down, that i was happier there then anywhere i have ever been in my whole life. my whole entire life. to know that piece of information, and to carry on knowing that. i can understand why i numb myself. why i try to make it like it didnt happen, because if it didnt happen. i wouldnt be missing out right now.

no. no i wouldnt.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -ultranumb.

and her head was still shaved.

lets go camping. ill bring the marshmellows. my goal is to succeed. this keyboard is so nice and smooth, and i like the sound of the keys being touched. make me some pasta will you? tell me why it was so awkward before, and now its not. thank you for being you. where have i been? my friends are phase 10 addicts. intervention! weekends are mine. for me. and God. i really need to finish hp7. hot yoga here i come. i have free internet at work (: Adam posts videos on my wall now. lets go canucks lets go. i might buy a digital slr soon. very soon. east side marios anyone? what does one do for their 21st birthday? big bang theory, why are you so funny. i have 10 toes, and 10 fingers. jealous? slurpees&candy=summer. kyle is going to get a new car :( i miss hyundai. hang nails are the worst. going to a wedding tomorrow. wedding bells. i am so so hungry. oh hungry, oh henry! my nose is so dry, i really should have used puffs. either im getting healthier or im high as a kite on these cold drugs. to be or not to be that is the question. he is getting married again. disgusting. dan is graduating ♥ congrats beautiful girl. whistler here i come. &&then camping with the besties. its going to be good times. it was totally sunny like half an hour ago. i hope its not cold out. i could be a photographer right? yea i think so. sunny days. how i hate you. i feel like the lyrics could have been better. what shall i eat tonight? maybe ill phone home and see. my cat is ignoring me. he literally doesnt want to speak with me anymore. oh bother. winnie the pooh. scooby doo. where are you. raggy. there i did it. i did it. gung hey fat choi. my eyes are pretty heavy. what does this mean? double rainbow all the way? she really really likes him. is it okay that i think ill still end up with him? haa i guess we will find out. gone going gone, everything gone give a damn. fall out boy, where did you go? because its 9 in the afternoon. sham sham kablam. BAM. i always have good times with aidan grace. samsies with meals on wheels and doh man.

love love love
and more?
ky.

you found me here.

well the sun is coming out. the sun reminds me of swimming in the ocean, feeling the black sand between my toes. being with people who i care about too much. oh how those days will soon be just memories in a photo album. although currently i am sick, life has been looking up. i recently got a job, and am now putting money towards that list of things that i need. my hair is really long now. and there are moments of desire for short hair, or to get a hair cut. but that would be cruel. i have dreams of long hair. and i am going to fulfil those dreams. hot yoga has been on my mind lately. and although i am totally fine with doing it by myself, i would very much like a hot yoga partner, someone who loves it as much as i do. maybe my sister? speaking of my sister. i love her. there have been so many fights between us. but we are the type of friends to just start talking to each other like nothing happened the next day. she is great. i find literally when you arent looking for someone, they find you. im not wanting a relationship right now. i want to focus on me, and although that sounds selfish, i believe i am 20 years old and shouldnt really be thinking about that considering im not even close to being done school. I know my God will provide the man i need. when the time is right he will be there, and everything will feel right, everything will be okay. because thats what God's intent is. although i do find myself lonely at times, i know i thoroughly am enjoying this time of being single :) im finding myself becoming used to routine again. i feel like i need something exciting and undull in my life. whats it going to be? who knows. but lets hope i figure it out soon.

until next time.
much lovee
Kylie.

he was from downstairs.

lets pretend were royalty, and thank those who made us who we are. because we are who we are. today i learned that. i had the option of being myself, or being shy. and i let myself do the talking. it was great. my hair is so long, its like.. beautiful. i feel like the tables are turned, i feel closer to my dad then i do with my mom. this is the first day of my life. that song makes me feel so safe, and protected. im confused. im hurt. im in love. i am in love. in love. i care about myself. i wish i had gummy bears right now. i got lost at school today. it was embarassing. i appreciate my friends. i appreciate my family. and now i understand how hard it is to pick up and leave. i was so ready to go back to wanganui. but now look at me. im at home again. i have two homes. i want a tattoo. i just need to make sure its something im sure i want to get done. i have a heart for the broken. my vase was also broken. how many bridesmaids is too many bridesmaids? i dont eat that much anymore. i wish my brother was at the age where i could hang out with him with out him getting annoyed with me. lets pretend we are the great and none can stop us. i miss my lip ring. i miss it. i miss everything about it. i miss hanging with my best friends. i miss pho. i miss clam chowder. i miss making cookies with a girl i have known forever. let me help you make pizza. dont leave me. i want to lay in a pile of flower petals. i want a romantic dinner. i want to be taken out. i want to dress up. i want to look hot. i want a kitten. i know i have bubba, but i want a kitty kitty. pictures can always say more than a thousand words. they can. i know this. paint my nails and call me classy. paint my face and dont say anything. shiver me timbers.

worthy is the lamb ♥

i will depend on the Lord;

no matter what.

a well worth hiding.

i used to be a fan of the numbing technique. you know the one. where and when you get hurt, emotionally. you numb yourself. I am finding it so hard to be as happy as i was in New Zealand. I think you can see in every picture. I am so happy. the happiest. so now that I am back home, its like. I am trying to find things that make me at least a fraction of the happy that I felt. I know I am headed in the right direction, I have summer lined up and then school in the fall. So I know that will pass time and keep me busy. which is not how i want to feel about it. i dont want to keep busy. i want to be with those friends who literally, make my day with out even saying a word. I love them. and i think they really taught me what love is. or how it feels, that is. but back to now. today. I think its just one of those moments, where I wonder what God has in store for me, what he wants me to learn by being in this state. This emotion i feel. My heart is so vulnerable right now. It just doesnt know what to think. but that is just life is I guess. things have been going pretty good I guess. I have done everything for right now in applying for school, I had an interview with the camp I wish to work at. hopefully that went well enough for them to want me to come work there, I also had a meeting with the youth pastor of the youth group I would like to help out at, that went well. The only things that are left to be done is to meet with work and see if I can come back or If i need another job, and also work on getting my N. So, pretty much I am good for now. life is slowly getting back to normalcy. In a weird way though, I feel as if, life is just a little harder to live when the boys arent around. Is that weird? I reckon it might be viewed as silly. And I am sorry if you are reading this and thinking that what i just wrote is completely crazy. but i am being serious. when the ninjas are apart, there is a sad feeling in all of our hearts. i guess in a way i know we all need to move on a little. its bound to happen. but at the same time. It just seems unfair that we have to.

I am not feeling down necessarily, not lost, not confused, just.. nothing really. im not feeling anything.

xox

me = home.

so i have to admit, this whole concept of blogging is a little uncomfortable. I used to be able to pour out my thoughts onto this blog and leave them there. But now I find myself feeling very vulnerable about it all. I am home in Canada. to sum up my trip in one word, I would say inspiring. a lot of the stories i have are going to be shared with friends and family. but a lot of the stories are going to be kept for me. I dont know if a lot of people have noticed. but I have changed. God has thrown me into some really uncomfortable situations, and some really ah ah amazzing situations. I love God. btw. haha. but I cant even begin to really give up what my true emotions are. I loved that trip I took. I loved it. for all the reasons that have made me who I am now. love love love.

it took a poem.

no reply. i am so lazy.
but i think i was just so refreshed with the newness of the feeling.
i am taking risks, and chances.
and you are giving me shots and oppurtunities.
ill just leave it.
because if i dont you will leave.
i dont want anyone to get hurt,
but like i said i am lazy.
and right i dont care.
let the flow go.

te aroha♥