almost there.

with everything that has happened, with all the feelings that have been felt. I know its okay now.

I know we are cool.

you can tell me about other girls, and i can tell you about other guys.
and thats just fine.

although i wish it was me that you were talking about, i know its better this way.

this way, i get to stay up late talking to you, talking until i fall asleep.

you will always be so special to me.

an attraction i cant explain. im drawn to you.

but this is better.

and ill keep telling myself that until i really and truly mean it.

im almost there.

kicking and screaming, youre not listening.

you arent a thing.
you probably wont be a thing.
but i regret not holding you when i had the chance.
i was there, and so were you.
it started that night.
you stood and talked with me forever.
and then you were gone.
the whole time im thinking, why me?
then, i saw you again, and that time.
you were surrounded.
but you stood there.
and i stood there.
and i let my hand rest on your shoulder
and that was that.
this isnt a thing.
but its what i feel.
and i wont know what you feel
because you never tell me.
perhaps we'll meet again.
perhaps.

these songs sing to me.

I dont know whats going to happen,
but I know even when I get there,
I wont really understand.
But thats the best way to live in my opinion,
because who wants to really understand
all the things that make us who we are.
dont close the gap between logic,
because somethings are better left
unsaid.

already.

Well, Ive been praying for a lot of oppurtunities to love on people. to evangelize. And God has been doing just that. Ive noticed within the group that i spend most of my time with at school, they are all coming from different backgrounds, ethnicity. very diverse. but im growing to really care about all of them.

its a cool feeling to walk into the classroom and know i have a spot to sit with my friends.

i do have my work cut out for me. but it will be rewarding.

thank you Lord.

my precious

These past couple of weeks at school have been great, but the topic of values and ethics have come up alot and i know its a topic that will be within my program for the duration of the program.

I had avoided making it known that I was a christian, thinking that I would be judged purely on this fact. I even avoided discussing my faith with christians in my class. My thoughts were, I wanted people to get to know me first, and then know my faith.

It became a hidden faith, and everytime faith and religion was brought up i was put in an awkward torn situation where I didnt know if I was ready to be open about it.

I would like to blame my fear on the probability that people would look down on me, or think less of my opinion on certain topics. And in this profession, Ill tell you right now, there are alot of confused, broken people. (where arent there broken people?) Many people have openly admitted they dont appreciate religious people, because their experiences with them have been unsuccessful ones. Where religion has been pushed down their throats to the point of sourness.

Well. I was humbled at a church service I went to, where I was fully called to discipleship. What I was reminded of, (because I do know this) is that what makes me, ME, is my faith. What I was portraying before was a boring self without purpose. Of course I am feeling shame. I wanted to hide my savior.

Now, Although I wont be pushing religion down peoples throat, I now see this as a mission field. Whether that be evangelizing openly, or just loving people for who they are. I will be a disciple of Christ and bring people to Christ through Him.

I will also happily admit that I did finally come forth about my faith in front of the whole class, and so far so good. I have no hateful stares! haha.

take care xo

i have these times.

driving to work today i was listening to the ethos cd 'we have seen his glory' and there is a song that just touches me everytime. its called 'I am one'

it describes us as humans, what we are to Christ.
Its not always good things
' I am one of his run -aways'
I dont know how many times I have let God down,
if he was a god that wasnt forgiving i would be in big trouble.
but thats just it.
God is always forgiving.
things get messy,
life gets hard,
i walk away,
i get bored,
i get confused,
i get scared.
and there He is.

I am so ashamed, and lost.
but He is my father.
and thats all I need.

He is my father.

chapped lips, chapstick and things like chemistry.

i promise this post wont be about school in some way. although it is hard for me to think about anything else really.

I have been feeling a little ill lately. feeling achey, and having a sore throat in the morning when i wake up. i also am experiencing a dry cough, which i normally get around this time of year, which then turns into a very mucusy hack later on. totally excited for that. :|

ive been thinking alot about my friends lately, and how much work it actually is to maintain a friendship. for some close friends its an easy task. you see them when you see them, you make time to see them, it works out. but for those friends who you need to work a bit harder at seeing, thats where the hard work really comes in. especially if your schedule is hecktic.

I find i dont even really have time to text all my friends. which in reality, i probably could text all of them, and then thats it. and now that im thinking about that, i might just do that. its just the expectation to carry on a conversation with the person that makes me hesitant.

its hard because in this time, where i am constantly somewhere, doing something, needing sleep, needing to read or finish assignments, its friends that i need the most. and yet, i have the least time for them. study dates will need to be a thing, and weekends will have to be prioritzed accordingly. but it is becoming a worry of mine that i will lose friends during this school year because of my lack of time with them. i really hope thats not the case.

really hope.

also, i have chapstick and chapped lips. and things like chemistry.
soo.
yea.

also also also.

I would really like to skype Tess-a-ling because I havent seen her face since 11 days ago, the day she left.
good golly girl, where are youuu, and why are you only online at terrible times? i misss youuuu.

&&& i dont want to keep thinking about him
so im not going to think about him
but its hard not to think about him

its stupid, and not worth my time. not one bit



ugh. :(

school days.

I dont want to jinx it, i dont want to regret saying this. But I LOVE SCHOOL.

Ive only had 3 of the 5 classes i am enrolled in, and I just love it. I am learning so much about interviewing, counselling, life development and writing professionally. I have made some friends already, and its weird to think that these are the people who will become family before i know it. the professors are also great, and the workload is mostly reading with a couple assignments sprinkled in. School in general is time consuming, I am finding I am so tired at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is read a chapter or work on an essay. I am working part time while going through school, which isnt going too bad, I have plenty of time to do homework and reading while at work. so far im on top of all my assignments and readings, which is an excellent feeling.

This past weekend, for the first time in a long time, i didnt go out and hang out with friends, thats right. I spent Friday and Saturday night in. I went to the library on Friday and got a huge chunk of my assignments and reading done. That was rewarding. Then Saturday I read 2 more chapters, and now today, Sunday, I have finished my questions and I am about to work on some reading. And as much as it is time consuming, and I do need to take breaks in between reading periods, I love what I am learning and reading about. It is so insightful.

There is one fear that I have for this program, and that is the oppurutunity to open up and disclose personal things about myself, as one of the class requirements, we are in groups and need to work on our counselling skills. Which means we will all need to talk about personal things about ourselves. It is going to take alot of trusting to be able to talk to people i dont really know all that well. I guess ill just be pushed into that.

Other than that, things are going great. School is really my only focus right now, and if im anywhere but school I feel lost. Im normally someone who is quiet until i gain confidence to speak among others. But in class I have been demonstrating speaking up and participating in class discussions -- something that has taken even myself by surprise.

Yes I think School and I are going to get along just fine.

until next time.

♥

the wrath of the alarm clock.

Well, Its finally school time. I had my first day. And I have to say, it wasnt that bad. I was unaware that it was an orientation day, so my plans of being off school at 12:20 and making it to work for 1 went out the window. The day in general was maybe pointless, alot of questions were asked that i knew the answers to. Little ice breakers and group questions. And although maybe the majority of the day was "pointless". It showed me that these faculty members actually care about us, and want us to do well. I have already made some friends, Lidya and Lily. There are alot of parents in the class, and alot of "just graduated" students. which, in my opinion, good for them, I am happy that they were able to make the decision to come back to school and to actually find a program they want to persue.

I think the best word to describe my emotions today would be overwhelmed. Just with everything. I was excited, nervous, scared, happy, confident. I walked around the school like i was an adult, like i had a purpose in that school and i knew what i was doing, because i do. When i look back to my year of college I did straight out of highschool, I had no idea which way was up. Everything seemed like a blur, and i had no passion to be there. It definitley has a highschool-esque feeling, with all the youngins i see. but i guess thats life, and i would see that anywhere i went. Its weird to think that 4 years ago, i graduated from highschool. 4 years. And although it took me 4 years to figure out what i wanted to do, it was an amazing 4 years. I have learned so much, (as one does when they are growing up) and I dont regret one minute of it.

I have three classes tomorrow, 1 of which is a 4 hour long class. Is that even legal? Its really all going to start tomorrow, and Ive already been told that there are to be no laptops, cellphones, and food. I understand why, but im still not happy with it. My teachers seem awesome and nice, and not intimidating at all, which is great because im sure i will need to utilize them as much as i can. I have faith in myself, which i think is essentially the only thing that will get me through this program. I cant be doing this program for the wrong reasons. I need to do this because I want to do it.

I was also notified that In my second year, i might have the chance to travel to Uganda in Africa for a 2 1/2 month trip to do my final practicum. In that moment i knew I wanted to really get involved in every oppurtunity that Douglas throws at me, which in this case is to travel to Africa. I did consider the fact that I am a red head, and that being in the sun in Africa can only lead to bad sun burns, but I think it would be a great way to spend the last bit of my program. --Ill keep you posted on this.

All in all, i do not think for one minute this program will be easy. But i am so excited to take the bull by the horns and try my hardest and show everyone my potential. I know I can do this, and I know I am in a place to do this. So here I come.


k}

with eyes like yours.

I dont even know what color your eyes are.
but i know theyre pretty.
and i know that you wanted to sit beside me last night.
i know you did.
and i caught you staring many times.


soo busted.

agreed on never.

the sad thing is i think of all the people ive known, met, interacted with. you are the only person that felt like home.

home.

i dont even know if you'll read this. but you are home to me.

and i think too much time has passed. i think weve both moved on.

but i miss you.

okay?